The Answer to It All is in the Alphabet

English
I know the language is evolving, much the way we are (suck it, creationists), but I don’t have to like it. The new writing is just lazy. Don’t know a rule? Ignore it. Spell check? Don’t bother. You can just write: Im going 2-nite R U? LOL.

Social Security Disability
After completing the months long application process, your approval is sent via what’s called a notice of award. It’s an award, like you won something. I was expecting it to open with:

Congratulations! You have a severe disability that negatively impacts your life. You’re a BIG winner.

Grudges
If someone harms you, I mean really damages your soul, hate them. Hate them long. Hate them hard. But as the days turn to months or even (if they really fucked up) years, use the energy it took to hate for something positive. You can start by not hating.

Pharmaceutical Advertising
One of the more amusing aspects of marketing prescription only drugs is that product names must be easily identifiable and memorable to consumers. As an example, I give you AciPhex. Combating the varied symptoms of acid reflux disease, AciPhex sounds pretty good–until you realize you’ve got to ask your doctor about it. AciPhex is pronounced Ass Effects.

Plug Box
Tonight (11/6)! Don’t miss the heavy blues, rock, sound of the Mike Hallal Band, live at The Loft @ Tommy D’s (The Old House of Blues), 96 Winthrop St., Cambridge, MA. 21+, $5 cover, 9pm-12am.

Join The Modern Day Critic mailing list for first notice of new issues, exclusive content (as soon as I think some), and more. Simply email moderndaycritic@yahoo.com with “Me First” in the subject box.

This issue’s take away: The Bible is a novel, not a text book.

 

My Lucky Number is Negative Four

One for the money, two for the show …

Questions
A few that I‘d like answered: Does a bag of clean clothes weigh the same as that same bag of clothes does dirty? Up until I finish this sentence, how many words have I written in my life? What’s the origin of shouting “Free Bird” at concerts?

Bumpers
Everything about this part of the car, would leave you to believe it’s made to be hit. They’re there to protect. They stick out the furthest on you car. Even the name, “bumper,” alludes to their purpose. So if the bumper is made to get dinged up, why do people get so pissed when theirs gets scratched?

Super Sugar Crisp Cereal
Soon after the mascot, Sugar Bear, lost his foot due to complications from diabetes, the cereal’s name was changed to Golden Crisp. I guess being consistently ranked as one of the most sugar laden cereals doesn’t mean shit when you can just change the name to disguise the fact it’s still bad for you.

North Atlantic Right Whale
With an estimated less than 300 left in existence, this endangered whale got its name for being the “right” one to kill. It floats when dead, is slow moving, and once numbered in the tens of thousands. Although one wonders, how would they have benefitted from a different name? Who would hunt the North Atlantic Penis Shrinking Whale?

Raiders of the Lost Ark
We go to subpar sequels because 28 years ago, the greatest of all action/adventure movies made its debut. We hope against all odds that the newest movie will recapture some of the original’s charm. And when it doesn’t, we bitch, we poke fun, but we’re not surprised. It takes a special film to make you feel like that. If it’s been at least five years since you’ve seen Raiders of the Lost Ark, watch it. (If you’ve never seen it … shame on you.) If you don’t like it, you don’t like movies. It’s as simple as that.

Plug Box
Feed your head with the blues-soaked sound of Mike Hallal Band, Friday, November 6, The Loft @ Tommy D’s (The Old House of Blues), 96 Winthrop St., Cambridge, MA. 21+, $5 cover, 9pm-12am.
Visit myspace.com/mikehallalband.

This issue’s take away: In a laugh or cry situation, always choose laugh.

 

100% Fresh, No Filler

Ready, Set, Enjoy …

Laugh Tracks
Canned laughter is for the benefit of the television audience. It’s punctuation that says, “that was a joke, insert laughter here.” Newly successful comedies like The Office, however, rely on the intelligence of viewers to pick out the funny parts. So it could be said that whenever you chuckled at shows with a laugh track (Seinfeld, Drew Carey, Cheers), the producers were calling you stupid.

Back to School
I don’t even have kids, and I like this time of year. The reason: Back to school shopping. I go for the pencils, and stay for the disappointment. I like to remind kids why they’re there. “That shirt you’ve got to grow into will be lame by the time it fits,” and the even more depressing, “Someday, you’ll realize these were the easy years.”

Germ-phobes
Our world is brimming with microscopic germs and bacteria. We can’t avoid them, so why worry? Of course, washing your hands before you eat is good hygiene, but must the soap be washed first? Just because it might’ve cleaned someone’s ass and you want to use it on your face doesn’t mean…oh, wait…okay…now I understand.

Replacement Shows
When a television show sucks enough to be pulled mid-season, the one that succeeds it is usually touted as the best thing to ever grace the medium. If they were honest, the promos would be more like, “Don’t miss Rosie Perez in Second Shift, a program that wasn’t good enough to crack our original lineup, but that we hope will be sufficient enough now.”

The Mens Room
There are one room public bathrooms that feature a single bowl and a urinal in an open floor plan. Why? Has any one ever been invited to piss, while someone else takes a dump, or vice versa? And if so, did they go?

Plug Box
Got something you’d like to plug? Email the details with “Plug This” in the subject to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

This issue’s take away: If the truth hurts, we could all use some pain.

 

Capitalizing Each Word Makes Sentences Look More Important

Welcome to Issue 22 of The Modern Day Critic. You should know what to expect by now, and if you don’t you’re either new (check out the past issues too) or slow (sorry).

Buddhism
I like the philosophy that freedom from desire is the pathway to enlightenment, but that doesn’t make it any easier to follow. It’s hard not to want things–especially in a society that offers a 79 cent nacho plate.

Obama’s Speech to Students
There are people who are so afraid of this president and his “agenda,” they managed to make a much publicized stink about his speech to school students. An hour of listening to the president won’t change your influence over your kids. So, don’t worry, if you’re an asshole, there’s still a good chance your kid will be an asshole too … just like you.

Marijuana
Now … what was I talking about?

Bull Riding
The reason bulls jump and flail is that when the rider sits on their back a rope tightens around their testicles, and it’s not until they buck the guy off that the pain subsides. To score, a rider must stay on for eight seconds, which doesn’t seem like a long time to you and me, but tell that to the bull.

Dress Codes
The MDC has had lots of writing jobs, but only one of them—at a major retailer—had a dress code. I had to ask: Why the business attire requirement, when we were never seen by the public? The answer: Because that’s the way it’s always been. That‘s right up there with “because I said so,” as the worst answer of all time. In fact, if that were a good answer, we’d still be chucking shit at each other from the tree tops.

Thanks to Bob D. for the topic.

Plug Box
Featuring essays and shorts by luminaries such as Hunter S. Thompson, Mark Twain, and George Plimpton, The Dreaded Feast: Writers on Enduring the Holidays also includes “Home for the Holidays” by Friend of the Critic Christine Radant. Pick up a copy (or three) in October.

Got something you’d like to plug? Email the details with “Plug This” in the subject to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

This issue’s take-away: Like it or not, those animal crackers you’re eating are really just cookies.

 

Fun is the root word of funny.

If you’re new to the Modern Day Critic or you suffer from long-term memory loss (it has been nine years), this is how it works: Each month or so, I’ll take a spin on four or five topics, you read them and laugh. It’s not so difficult, right?

 

If you still don’t understand, you probably voted Republican.

 

And away we go…

 

Cracker Jack Surprises

When I was a kid, the best Cracker Jack Surprise you could hope for was a working mini-pinball game. Now the “surprise” is cheaply printed directly on the envelope itself. If just 30 years can produce such a decline in “surprise” quality, does that mean they were giving out cars and diamond rings 60 years ago? 

 

Old Dudes

I used to be like you. I used to watch some crusty old fart shuffling across the street and think to myself, “I bet he shits his pants.” But respect the next old dude you meet, because if he’s old enough, he probably helped kick Hitler’s ass.

 

William Henry Harrison

Almost as soon as he was elected the country’s ninth president, Harrison faced harsh criticism regarding his manhood. To prove to detractors he wasn’t a pussy, he delivered the longest inaugural address in US history in a freezing rain with no jacket or hat. A month later he was dead of pneumonia. Guess he showed them.

 

Disgusting Science

When you have a bad head cold this winter and you’re constantly blowing your nose, it’s not from an unlimited amount of snot. Most likely the walls of your nasal cavity are inflamed giving you that pleasant head clogged feeling.

 

Numbers

Perhaps no invention of mankind (except maybe God) is as responsible for the world’s ills as numbers. Greed, war and insurance agencies—all have had a basis in accumulating or protecting numbers, usually in the form of the almighty buck. And the cause of all this mayhem isn’t even real! Numbers are a concept. Admittedly, numbers (again, like God) do have a useful side. Like 69, for instance.

 

Well, there you have it. If you want to come back from month-to-month to check out what’s going through my braincase, you’re probably an intelligent, good-looking person. And if you don’t, may the fleas of a thousand years find your tent. Either way, tell friends about this site and there will be some extra hash in your brownies.

 

‘Till next time…