If you’re new to the Modern Day Critic or you suffer from long-term memory loss (it has been nine years), this is how it works: Each month or so, I’ll take a spin on four or five topics, you read them and laugh. It’s not so difficult, right?

 

If you still don’t understand, you probably voted Republican.

 

And away we go…

 

Cracker Jack Surprises

When I was a kid, the best Cracker Jack Surprise you could hope for was a working mini-pinball game. Now the “surprise” is cheaply printed directly on the envelope itself. If just 30 years can produce such a decline in “surprise” quality, does that mean they were giving out cars and diamond rings 60 years ago? 

 

Old Dudes

I used to be like you. I used to watch some crusty old fart shuffling across the street and think to myself, “I bet he shits his pants.” But respect the next old dude you meet, because if he’s old enough, he probably helped kick Hitler’s ass.

 

William Henry Harrison

Almost as soon as he was elected the country’s ninth president, Harrison faced harsh criticism regarding his manhood. To prove to detractors he wasn’t a pussy, he delivered the longest inaugural address in US history in a freezing rain with no jacket or hat. A month later he was dead of pneumonia. Guess he showed them.

 

Disgusting Science

When you have a bad head cold this winter and you’re constantly blowing your nose, it’s not from an unlimited amount of snot. Most likely the walls of your nasal cavity are inflamed giving you that pleasant head clogged feeling.

 

Numbers

Perhaps no invention of mankind (except maybe God) is as responsible for the world’s ills as numbers. Greed, war and insurance agencies—all have had a basis in accumulating or protecting numbers, usually in the form of the almighty buck. And the cause of all this mayhem isn’t even real! Numbers are a concept. Admittedly, numbers (again, like God) do have a useful side. Like 69, for instance.

 

Well, there you have it. If you want to come back from month-to-month to check out what’s going through my braincase, you’re probably an intelligent, good-looking person. And if you don’t, may the fleas of a thousand years find your tent. Either way, tell friends about this site and there will be some extra hash in your brownies.

 

‘Till next time…

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