January 2009

Welcome to the early, early, early February edition of The Modern Day Critic. Don’t be thrown by the layout. I’ll probably be trying a few more before settling on one I like. Anyway, on to the reason you’re here:

Superbowl Monday
Some people think the day after the Superbowl should be a national holiday. I’m in favor of anything that rewards our gluttonous tendencies to overindulge in food, alcohol and football with a day off, but the truth is we already have such a holiday. It’s called Thanksgiving.

February Films
Longtime dumping ground of the absolute worst Hollywood has to offer, February releases are the straight to video of the cinematic experience. When a remake of “Friday the 13th“ (Opening Feb. 13th) is poised to debut as the week’s number one, do yourself a favor and catch up on any Oscar noms you may have missed.

The trouble with advertising is 99% of it sucks. If every ad were as entertaining as the early Geico caveman spots or the “I’m a Mac” campaign, there would be a lot less anti-Advertising sentiment. However, there is an undeniable benefit to it, crap and all. Without advertising, the morning paper would cost $59.99.

If you can’t name at least one book you’ve read in the past year, you’d better be bleeding from the eyes, dyslexic or dead. Because if this is the extent of your reading, I’m flattered and disappointed. I thought my audience was smarter than that.

Toilet Seat Covers
Now I consider myself to be a smart guy, so why is my intellect challenged by the tracing paper thin protective toilet seat cover found in some publically used bathrooms? If the gale my ass creates on the way down to the seat is enough to blow it (and all its protective properties) off the seat, I can’t be using it right. Can I? Oh well, I guess that’s why God created the aerial assault.

Special thanks to Mark H. for that last topic.


The Odds
Chance the groundhog will see his shadow on February 2, thus forecasting six more weeks of winter: 50%. That I’ll give a shit: 0%.

If you have suggestions for the Critic, email them to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

That’s it until next time. Remember, don’t bogart the laughter. Pass the Critic to a friend and they will think highly of you.

Here we are: the epic third issue of the Modern Day Critic. If you still don’t know what to expect you’re either new (Welcome!) or the proud recipient of a frontal lobotomy (Congrats!) Either way, it’s time to duck and cover:

Harry Potter
Fast, easy and totally addictive, Harry Potter books are literary crack for 10 year olds…and 30 year olds…and 50 year olds…and, well, you get the point. Plus these whimsical tales of wizardly ways scared the Catholic Church. So apparently reading about a boy who casts spells in a battle of good and evil leads to a maladjusted life, but being raped by a priest does not.

When I shuffle off this mortal coil, I want one of two things done with my body: (1) Microwaved and thrown to cannibals (tell them I’m sleeping) or (2) Cremated. Whichever will be fine with me, because, let’s face it, I’ll never know.

Bin Laden
If we ever catch this guy, I’m for a national raffle to decide what to do with him. Just think, for $1 a ticket (six tickets for $5), Americans can be entered into a drawing to decide his fate. We’d eradicate the national debt over night! And if my ticket is drawn: It’s Bin Laden vs. Jessie Ventura in a steel cage match.

Three Non Sequiturs
If you must drink diet soda, please don’t name your daughter Jim. Intelligence is the difference between a stick of bubblegum and a plank of wood. Freeze pops make the associated press smell nice.

Vow of Silence (more…)

Happy New Year, fans of the absurd, and welcome back to the Modern Day Critic. May your 2009 be filled with happiness, prosperity and enough salve to make that itchy rash go away. If your resolution was to not take life too seriously, you’re in the right place. Ready?

House Cats
House cats are the preeminent killers of the feline world. Their victims number more than mice and birds. They kill lizards, chipmunks and toads. They kill moths, bats and crickets. House cats hunt, catch and kill over 100 other species. For fun. Think about that, the next time your furry little sociopath claws the couch.

Rich Kids TV
90210. The Hills. The Kardashians. Why do we give a shit about the lives of over-privileged, rich, white kids? For real drama, watch a show about poor kids: Will Ben eat today? How long until Maria’s heat comes on? All this and more on the next episode of ”Pittsburgh, 12512.”

The Fart Joke
The fart joke is proof that humor can be universal. Everyone, from the Queen of England to bums on the street, has laughed at a fart. A funny sound with a funny smell from a funny place, the fart unites us and reminds us we’re all human. It’s humbling really. Now excuse me, while I go open a window.

Bed Side Manners
I don’t know if they teach a class on communication at medical school, but they should. The ability to talk —and listen—to patients is near the top of the list for being a good doctor. (Next to knowing which end the thermometer goes in.) As someone who’s seen a lot of doctors, I know that a few are good, a lot are bad and some are just FUCKING ASSHOLES. Not that I’m bitter or anything.

Funny Face Therapy
Counting to ten? Forget it. Visualizing? Takes too long. When you’re stressed, go to the bathroom, look in the mirror and make the funniest face you can. Good for work, home or anywhere (some of you are doing it right now), funny face therapy is the safe, cheap alternative to buying a gun and blowing someone’s head off.

Due to popular demand, the MDC is going to be posted twice monthly. So, buy yourself some rubber underwear and piss yourself laughing. And unlike a cold sore, the MDC is meant to be shared. Please pass it on to the unsuspecting! Thanks, and I’ll be back in a couple weeks.