Happy New Year, fans of the absurd, and welcome back to the Modern Day Critic. May your 2009 be filled with happiness, prosperity and enough salve to make that itchy rash go away. If your resolution was to not take life too seriously, you’re in the right place. Ready?

House Cats
House cats are the preeminent killers of the feline world. Their victims number more than mice and birds. They kill lizards, chipmunks and toads. They kill moths, bats and crickets. House cats hunt, catch and kill over 100 other species. For fun. Think about that, the next time your furry little sociopath claws the couch.

Rich Kids TV
90210. The Hills. The Kardashians. Why do we give a shit about the lives of over-privileged, rich, white kids? For real drama, watch a show about poor kids: Will Ben eat today? How long until Maria’s heat comes on? All this and more on the next episode of ”Pittsburgh, 12512.”

The Fart Joke
The fart joke is proof that humor can be universal. Everyone, from the Queen of England to bums on the street, has laughed at a fart. A funny sound with a funny smell from a funny place, the fart unites us and reminds us we’re all human. It’s humbling really. Now excuse me, while I go open a window.

Bed Side Manners
I don’t know if they teach a class on communication at medical school, but they should. The ability to talk —and listen—to patients is near the top of the list for being a good doctor. (Next to knowing which end the thermometer goes in.) As someone who’s seen a lot of doctors, I know that a few are good, a lot are bad and some are just FUCKING ASSHOLES. Not that I’m bitter or anything.

Funny Face Therapy
Counting to ten? Forget it. Visualizing? Takes too long. When you’re stressed, go to the bathroom, look in the mirror and make the funniest face you can. Good for work, home or anywhere (some of you are doing it right now), funny face therapy is the safe, cheap alternative to buying a gun and blowing someone’s head off.

Due to popular demand, the MDC is going to be posted twice monthly. So, buy yourself some rubber underwear and piss yourself laughing. And unlike a cold sore, the MDC is meant to be shared. Please pass it on to the unsuspecting! Thanks, and I’ll be back in a couple weeks.