Here we are: the epic third issue of the Modern Day Critic. If you still don’t know what to expect you’re either new (Welcome!) or the proud recipient of a frontal lobotomy (Congrats!) Either way, it’s time to duck and cover:

Harry Potter
Fast, easy and totally addictive, Harry Potter books are literary crack for 10 year olds…and 30 year olds…and 50 year olds…and, well, you get the point. Plus these whimsical tales of wizardly ways scared the Catholic Church. So apparently reading about a boy who casts spells in a battle of good and evil leads to a maladjusted life, but being raped by a priest does not.

Death
When I shuffle off this mortal coil, I want one of two things done with my body: (1) Microwaved and thrown to cannibals (tell them I’m sleeping) or (2) Cremated. Whichever will be fine with me, because, let’s face it, I’ll never know.

Bin Laden
If we ever catch this guy, I’m for a national raffle to decide what to do with him. Just think, for $1 a ticket (six tickets for $5), Americans can be entered into a drawing to decide his fate. We’d eradicate the national debt over night! And if my ticket is drawn: It’s Bin Laden vs. Jessie Ventura in a steel cage match.

Three Non Sequiturs
If you must drink diet soda, please don’t name your daughter Jim. Intelligence is the difference between a stick of bubblegum and a plank of wood. Freeze pops make the associated press smell nice.

Vow of Silence
There’s a lot to think about before entering a vow of silence. Not the least of which are your last words. I’d want to give people something to think about, so mine would be “I know where they hid the bodies.” And then I’d shut up. Forever.

This is fun, isn’t it? More nonsense coming soon.

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