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The Angry Whopper
Unless you live under a rock, you’ve seen the Burger King Angry Whopper ad. (An executioner-type farmer with hemorrhoids and bad teeth berates a lone onion growing in a field of dirt.) I don’t mind marketers attributing human emotions to my food, as long as they don’t take it too far. I refuse to order my angry whopper with a side of melancholy fries.

Customer with Infant Parking
Springing up next to the handicapped spots in parking lots everywhere, “Customer with Infant” parking is proof we’re a society in decline. HAVING A BABY IS NOT A HANDICAP, so why should procreation entitle someone to better parking? And why stop at infants? Where’s the “Customer with Retarded Stepson” parking?

A Book I Meant to Write
A black man/orphan girl/dyslexic monkey overcomes Gandhi/the local bully/ herpes to win the big game/a piece of toast/the dance contest. The ironic twist is she/he/it is dead/bald/likes pie.
Title: A Junior High Primer

Trivial Pursuit
Although the game’s basically the same, what constitutes trivial had definitely changed. If the correct answer is “Ben Franklin,” you’re playing an earlier version. If it’s “Rachel Green,” you’re playing a later version. And if you routinely ruin game pieces by sticking pie slices in the wrong way, you’re not playing with me.

Ticketmaster
It’s a given that Ticketbastard marks up purchases by at least 27%, but it’s how they try to hide it that’s a travesty: service charges and handling fees. The ordering, printing, mailing of tickets are all done by computer. So where does the handling come in? I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire company was one guy sitting on a throne of gold bars.

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