March 2009

Issue #10. Double digits. Wow. Check it out:

Parallel Universes
The notion that a limitless number of realities are happening just outside our own, parallel universes mean every moment in time could be spun off in to infinite possibilities. In one parallel universe I’m the King of England, while in another, I use my left hand to wipe.

Justin Timberlake
Record Exec 1: This boy band thing has played out again. What’s next? Record Exec 2: We’ll just take the best looking kid from The Backstreet Boys, get him vocal and dance coaches and market the bejesus out of him. Record Exec 1: And since he’s already coming from a squeaky-clean band, we’ll save on establishing his image.

They cackle madly, touch champagne flutes and go back to doing coke off a stripper’s ass.

Unhappy Endings
If you hear one of the following phrases in a story, it’s a pretty good indication it’s going to end badly: 1. “So I drank the bottle of Vodka.” 2. “And then I bet the mortgage against the Globetrotters.” 3. “I didn’t know it was a guy.”

Inner Filters
You know that little barrier in your head that prevents you from saying exactly what you’re thinking in situations that require it? I don’t. And while it can be liberating to say whatever the hell you want, it can also be problematic. Like the time I called the Creative Director at a (now defunct) company a dickhead. I was kidding, but I wish I had waited until after introductions.

Gift Cards
For birthdays, holidays or anytime, there’s nothing like giving a gift card to say,” I don’t give a fuck, get it yourself.” If it’s the thought that counts, these bad boys are the perfect present for when you’ve run out of ideas. Except for where the recipient should shop.

The Modern Day Critic is ready for action three times a month. Join the list to get word of new issues by emailing with “Me First” in the subject line. Since I only give a shit about people getting off on this column, rest assured your email address won’t be sold, rented or otherwise compromised.

I realize this issue’s headline is juvenile and in it for a cheap laugh, but then again, so am I. Enjoy:

Sneezing feels pretty good and it might be because it may (people go back and forth on this one) kill brain cells every time you do it. But before you invest in an extra-large box of pepper, remember the risks – like blowing snot all over your upper lip.

Phone Interviews (A Summary)
Human Resources: Is it still a good time for me to judge your ability to do this job based on your answers to canned questions that have absolutely nothing to do with your work? Me: Yes. HR: You failed.

The Unemployment Beard
Looking for growth during this recession? Check out an unemployed man’s and (in some unfortunate cases) woman’s face. As soon as the work stops, so does the shaving. It’s so prevalent that the number of growing beards could be an economic indicator. Let’s call it, The Follicle Factor.

Exclamation Points
Used once in a while to set off a phrase or thought exclamation points do have value! But multiple exclamation points in the same paragraph (or even sentence), are marks of an amateur scribe!!!! They tell readers that either you do not know how to build excitement with words, you are (personally) absolutely thrilled about something or that you are an asshole!!!!!

James Brown
I have a theory that whenever James Brown is on everyone in the place will dance…at least a little. I don’t care if it’s a couple of head-swivels, finger snaps or pelvic thrusts, people are compelled to move when it comes to the funkitude of tracks like “I Feel Good,” “Licking Stick” and “I Got The Feelin’.”

Look for more trouble in a couple weeks.

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Howdy folks and welcome to issue eight of The Modern Day Critic. Packed with inane facts and empty calories, it promises to be the learning experience of a lifetime (if you die five minutes after reading it. Since I sense your growing excitement, read on and enjoy…

Olfactory Hallucinations
Apparently when blind people take LSD there’s a chance they’ll have olfactory hallucinations –smelling things that aren’t really there. So while the rest of us are seeing faces in the carpet and spirits in the steam vent, their nostrils are sensing the intricacies of apple pie, Old Spice and jazz music.

Handicapped Parking
The Modern Day Critic lives in Boston—where violence is justified when it comes to parking. The MDC also has Machado Joseph Disease and a handicap parking pass. When you live in a city where taking a spot is grounds for an ass-kicking, it almost makes having a crippling illness worthwhile. Not really. But at least I never have a fist fight over where I leave my car.

Baseball and Steroids
Think too much is being made out baseball players and performance enhancing drugs? Imagine a league where they’re not only accepted, they’re mandated. At All Steroid League games, you’ll enjoy monstrous players with shrunken genitals routinely smacking 600 ft homers off pitchers throwing at 110 mph. Best of all, ‘roid rage guarantees at least one bench clearing brawl an inning.

Because people can get their news free online, newspapers are rapidly becoming an unintended (and undeserved) casualty of the digital age—and along with them quality and informative reporting. This means the smart people will write books (which no one reads), Americans will get dumber faster and you’ll have to find paper somewhere else. After all, you can’t line the bird cage with megapixels.

Frosted doughnuts with jimmies. Pancakes and waffles slathered with buttery maple syrup. French toast with a sprinkling of sugar. Chocolate croissants. Fruit compote. It’s no wonder breakfast is the most important meal of the day—it’s really a second dessert, except with bacon. mmm … bacon.

The Modern Day Critic is ready for action three times a month. Get word of new issues by emailing with “Me First” in the subject line. And be sure to share with a friend.