Howdy folks and welcome to issue eight of The Modern Day Critic. Packed with inane facts and empty calories, it promises to be the learning experience of a lifetime (if you die five minutes after reading it. Since I sense your growing excitement, read on and enjoy…

Olfactory Hallucinations
Apparently when blind people take LSD there’s a chance they’ll have olfactory hallucinations –smelling things that aren’t really there. So while the rest of us are seeing faces in the carpet and spirits in the steam vent, their nostrils are sensing the intricacies of apple pie, Old Spice and jazz music.

Handicapped Parking
The Modern Day Critic lives in Boston—where violence is justified when it comes to parking. The MDC also has Machado Joseph Disease and a handicap parking pass. When you live in a city where taking a spot is grounds for an ass-kicking, it almost makes having a crippling illness worthwhile. Not really. But at least I never have a fist fight over where I leave my car.

Baseball and Steroids
Think too much is being made out baseball players and performance enhancing drugs? Imagine a league where they’re not only accepted, they’re mandated. At All Steroid League games, you’ll enjoy monstrous players with shrunken genitals routinely smacking 600 ft homers off pitchers throwing at 110 mph. Best of all, ‘roid rage guarantees at least one bench clearing brawl an inning.

Because people can get their news free online, newspapers are rapidly becoming an unintended (and undeserved) casualty of the digital age—and along with them quality and informative reporting. This means the smart people will write books (which no one reads), Americans will get dumber faster and you’ll have to find paper somewhere else. After all, you can’t line the bird cage with megapixels.

Frosted doughnuts with jimmies. Pancakes and waffles slathered with buttery maple syrup. French toast with a sprinkling of sugar. Chocolate croissants. Fruit compote. It’s no wonder breakfast is the most important meal of the day—it’s really a second dessert, except with bacon. mmm … bacon.

The Modern Day Critic is ready for action three times a month. Get word of new issues by emailing with “Me First” in the subject line. And be sure to share with a friend.