April 2009


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Natural Selection
A pigeon gets hit by a car. A hunter shoots himself. A horse runs back into a burning barn. A kid OD’s trying to get HIGH on sleeping pills. (Sleeping pills are DOWNS.) Don’t feel bad about these passings. It’s just nature trying to thin the ranks of the planet’s less than desirable inhabitants.

Linguica
Made of whatever falls on the floor, this delicious Portuguese sausage is the only known food to come out better in the microwave.

Porn
Not that I watch it, but the volume is always way too loud whenever it’s turned on. Or so I’ve heard.

Adjectives
When I was younger, I used to think adjectives made me look smart. Why say something’s big, when it can be described as gargantuan or enormous? As I’ve evolved as a writer, I’ve discovered that adjectives should be used sparingly…and that when I was younger, I was a bit of an asshole.

Feminine Hygiene Advertising
Check it out. Subtly be damned.

Only two issues this month. I’ve been less than prolific. So sue me.

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So, it’s come to this:

The Three Stooges
While I’m not a fan of slapstick, The Three Stooges elevated it to an art form I could appreciate. Every slap, punch and eye-gouge was done with such astute timing and practice they never actually hurt one another. Which is why I’m against The Farrelly Brothers “Stooges” movie. Aside from poo and pee jokes, you can be sure there’ll be green screen too. Would Jim Carrey (Curly) really let Sean Penn (Larry) draw a saw blade across his head? I doubt it.

Rhythm and Blues
Some time ago R&B made the move away from bands like the Rolling Stones to performers like Usher. Why? I get the “Rhythm” part of the name. The ability to keep a beat is essential to music, but where does the “Blues” fit in? Unless “Blue” is how I’m supposed to feel about it.

Thanks to Chris S. for this topic.

The Book
Whenever a bad guy gets caught, they threaten to throw THE BOOK at him, which personally I’d be grateful for. It’s better that than having the crappy film adaptation hurled at you.

Bagpipes
One of the naturally loudest instruments, the bagpipes rarely require amplification to fill a space with sound. Which is good, unless you suck at them.

Big League Chew
Taking the sports/tobacco connection to kids with brazen transparency, this gum is shredded like chewing tobacco, comes in a pouch like chewing tobacco and is even named like a chewing tobacco. However, even when coupled with a nasty candy cigarette habit, it’s yet to cause cancer of the sweet tooth.

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