May 2009

This edition of The Modern Day Critic is brought to you by a long weekend on the Cape. If you haven’t already, sign up for The Modern Day Critic mailing list by sending a message to with “Me First” in the subject line. And remember, only selfish bastards don’t share the fun around. So pass this on to anyone who could use a laugh (and who couldn’t?).

Don’t let the forearm tattoos, corn cob pipe and romance with Olive Oyl distract you from this cartoon’s real message: Problems are solved with performance enhancing substances and ultra-violence.

While they may have a place in their native German, umlauts are just two dots floating above seemingly random vowels in the English language. Screaming look at me, they are far and away the most pretentious punctuation mark in use today.

William Howard Taft
After securing arbitration treaties with Britain and France in the early 20th century, Taft, the 27th President of the United States, cemented his reputation as one of the first proponents of world peace. Also, he was a 300lb. fat fuck who one got stuck in a bathtub.

Childhood Limericks 2
“Fat and Skinny lying in bed, Fat rolled over and Skinny was dead.” The Lesson: There are risks to being a chubby chaser.

Business Meetings
Although it’s been awhile since I’ve attended one, I feel safe in claiming 95% of them are absolute, unequivocal bullshit. And there’s a special ring of Hell for all the managers and go-getters who insist on scheduling them at 9am, because if there’s anything worse than bullshit, it’s first thing in the morning bullshit.

Thanks to Janeen L. for the topic.

If you want to unsubscribe to the Modern Day Critic mailing list, simply drop a line with “I Suck” in the subject line to and may the fleas of a thousand years visit your tent.

Howdy all and welcome to Issue 14 of The Modern Day Critic. If the past couple of issues seemed to be lacking my usual scathing grace, it’s because they were. And so, this is coming at you with a renewed sense of purpose (and a healthy dose of pain medication). So, this Bud’s for you:

Childhood Limericks 1
“Don’t say ain’t. Your mother will faint. Your father will fall in a bucket of paint. Your sister will cry. Your brother will die, and that’s the end of the lullaby.” The Lesson: Use poor grammar and your brother is fucked.

If you try to kill yourself and you fail, it’s either a desperate cry for help or a serious lack of ability. Your closest drug store is filled with enough pills to take down herds of elephants, so why do something fancy like try to hang yourself without tying a proper noose?

A quick jaunt to the pharmacy yesterday introduced me to SPF 100. And that’s just not enough protection for me. I won’t be satisfied until they introduce sunscreen that gives you rickets, something like SPF Vitamin D Negative.

The Price is Right
Still the ultimate “sick and stay home from school” TV show, The Price is Right has changed little since its inception in 1972. New host Drew Carey has filled in for the departed Bob Barker with grace, charm and about 75 extra pounds. I like Drew Carey, but, damn, he is getting fucking fat. In fact, producers have taken to always dressing him in black so contestants don’t confuse him for a PLINKO board.

Join the MDC mailing list by sending a message with “Me First” in the subject line to If you want off the mailing list, just drop me an email with ”I Suck” in the subject line and may your urine always smell of asparagus.

Email with “Me First” in the subject to be added to The Modern Day Critic Mailing list. Remember, sharing is caring, so be sure to pass The Critic to a friend. And away we go:

Yard Sales
Me: How much for the picture frame? Yard Sale Host (YSH): Fifty dollars. Me: It’s made of chipped wood. I’ll give you $0.75. YSH: It was my grandmother’s. Me: Okay, a dollar. The lesson: Sentimental value doesn’t mean shit when it’s next to Kenny Loggins cassettes and old baby clothes.

The Ocean
Covering roughly two-thirds of the planet, oceans are home to millions of forms of life … and their poo. So the next time you’re at the beach remember you’re swimming in a giant toilet that never gets flushed.

The Mall
The pinnacle of capitalism gone wrong, rare is the mall that doesn’t have me stifling the urge to vomit within 15 minutes. Just loads of chain stores pedaling mass produced shit to knuckle draggers with low IQs and too much disposable income. In fact , the word “Mall” is short for the Latin verb “Mallirocala,” meaning to twist testicles.

Stupid Facts
Ancient Egyptians shaved their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats. Petrified buffalo penis was once thought to ward off impotence. Radio waves travel better over water.

The reaction to the swine flu epidemic (is it alright to call it that yet?) has been swift and justified. Don’t be surprised if its origin isn’t traceable to pigs, but to a toddler who hasn’t been taught to cover his fucking mouth when sneezing and coughing. (You hear that parents? Your kid may be cute, but I don’t want to share his spittle.)

Got an idea you’d like to see handled by The Critic? Submit it to and if it’s used, you’ll win a no expense paid trip to Darfur (Malaria shots and guerilla warfare training also not included).