I realize this issue is coming to you a little later than expected, but I had been focusing my energies on the cluster fuck that was Stride gum’s “Name the Flavor” contest. For those of you who aren’t aware, Stride screwed the pooch by not informing contestants of repeat entries, thus dooming the contest to the rightful bitching of entrants who thought they (myself included) were in the running for the $10K prize.

It’s because of Stride’s ineptitude, there will be only two issues of The MDC this month. Stride has not only taken the hopes of hundreds of contestants, but they’ve stolen your laughter.

Stride Gum
I should have known that attention to detail wasn’t their strong suit by their ad campaign: The ridiculously long lasting gum. Truthfully, the gum doesn’t last any longer than Bazooka, Big Red, or even Fruit Stripe. It’s the gum’s flavor that’s long-lasting. And the secret to that is simple: Human sacrifice.

My friend’s quickly came to my defense with their own take on Stride gum. Some of my favorites:

“Stride Suppository Flavor. Stride gum, go stick it in yer ass” – Josiah M.
“Stride Pride Gum. For a little gay stick in your mouth.” – Gene M.
“Studies show Stride Gum gives you mouth cancer.” – Peter C.

In a war of the words, I’ve got my army.

Campaigning
A lesson I learned form the whole Stride gum debacle: I wouldn’t be a good politician. The campaigning would kill me. Scrounging for votes from friends, family, and total strangers for three days was exhausting enough. And that was for a friggin’ gum, not an economic reform package.

Jon and Kate Plus Eight
I hate that knowledge of these two assholes, and their show is taking up valuable space in my cranium. I could give less than a tin shit about who this dick head is fucking, what she thinks about it, or how multiple birthday parties affect their pathetic excuse of a reality show driven marriage.

Body Cleansing
Shitting, shitting and more shitting. I don’t know if there’s more to it than that, but if you take one of those body-cleansing pills, you’d better be ready for a few hours on the can. Bring a book.

The Plug Box
Check out “Is She Really Going out with Him?” on Mtv at 5:30pm on Monday, June 15. You won’t find better television about douche bags and the hot chicks who love them.

The Plug Box II
Get your fill of rootsy blues rock as the Mike Hallal Band drops the hammer at Tommy Doyle’s, 96 Winthrop Street, Cambridge, on Friday, June 12. 9pm start. $3 cover. 21+

Got anything for the Plug Box? Email moderndaycritic@yahoo.com with “Plug” in the subject, and I’ll set you up. The words and exposure are free.

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