July 2009

First, the bad news: Because my disability saps energy like so many vampire bats, I will be reducing the number of issue from three to two a month. Now, the good news: There are still 165 shopping days until Christmas.

Bow Ties
The “hey everybody look at me” fashion accessory for men, bow ties are a sure mark of the incredibly lame. Guys who wear bow ties want everyone to think they’re quirky and different. Well, they’re not. They’re just like you—except they probably got beat up a lot in high school.

Independence Days
This past July 4 got me thinking about the Independence Day of other countries. It turns out that a lot of them are from the United Kingdom. Pakistan’s is August 14. Fiji’s is October 10. Ghana’s is March 6. The list goes on. And since the UK has no Independence Day of its own, I suggest they celebrate a series of Dependence Days, and commemorate when a country first fell under their imperialist thumb.

The Scary Child Movie
Further proof that Hollywood is full of formulaic crap, they churn out films about scary kids at an ungodly rate: The Omen, The Omen II, The Good Son, The Unborn, Orphan, The Children, Children of the Corn, and many more. I can see the pitch meetings now: Producer: So, the kid kills people. Studio Exec: Is the kid scary? Producer: Very. Studio Exec: Sold!

Jaime Kennedy
This guy’s movies suck. He made 2007’s Heckler, a film bitching about how people say they suck. And guess what? That sucked (Although slightly less than his other films). Here’s a tip from the totally unqualified: Don’t put Pauly Shore in your movies. People hate that guy. Why? Because he sucks.

Plug Box
Vote for my sister-in-law’s photo for the monthly amateur shutterbug contest held by The Boston Globe here. Hers is the photo of the fly fisherman (If you don’t see it, you may have to scroll down on the photos). It’s quick, easy and there’s no sign in required.

Come back in August for more shenanigans (I always wanted to use that word). And as always, I can be reached with questions, comments, and inexplicable tirades at moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

Sorry for the recent lack of production, but I was caught under something heavy. So on to the reason you’re here:

Community Supported Agriculture
I was impressed with my first up-close exposure with a program like this: Pay a flat fee at the start of the season and pick up a variety of farm fresh produce weekly. Most refreshing? It was all on the honor system. Even a public lending library will slap a fine on you if you hold onto a book for too long.

Twin River
For those of you who aren’t aware, Twin River is a slot machine parlor with a dilapidated dog track and no table games in Lincoln, RI. It closes at 3 am during the week, is open 24 hours on the weekend, and recently filed Chapter 11 due to a lack of business. The governor’s plan to fix it? Expand the hours. Totally ignoring the first rule of getting out of a hole: Stop digging.

Thanks to Keith E. for the topic.

Coors Light Cold Activated Bottles and Cans
Right up there with the stupidest sales promos of all time, Coors Light’s cans and bottles that turn blue when they’re cold assume that either their consumers are morons, or they lack the sense of touch. Although given Coors Light’s target market, both could be true.

The Muppets
Half-moppet, half-puppet and 100% enjoyable, The Muppets are at the pinnacle of entertainment that can be shared by kids and adults. I defy you to take in this clip of The Muppet Show’s house band Electric Mayhem with Dizzy Gillespie and then not look at more clips. Quite simply, it’s fucking fantastic.

Thanks to Aaron E. for the topic.

If you ever return here from those Muppet Show clips, you’re just in time for the end of issue 17. Be on the lookout for the next issue in a couple weeks and remember to send questions, comments and plug requests to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.