August 2009

Twenty issues, huh? By my count, that’s at least 90 grains of truth and fun that have gone your way. How do I do it? I self-medicate into a stupor, and when I come around there are four or five paragraphs in front of me. It’s fun. See?

Kevin Youklis
Youklis is the Boston Red Sox player who was suspended for five games for charging the mound when he was hit by a pitch by Detroit’s Rick Porcello. Part of the rational for his punishment? His actions influence on kids. What’s so special about kids? Fuck kids. They could learn a useful life lesson from the incident: Throw a ball at someone and they might beat the shit out of you.

Things I Like
Little kids that cover their mouths when they sneeze. Artists that include a hidden track on their CD. The level of carbonation in a perfectly balanced fountain soda. Unassisted triple plays. The episode of King of the Hill where Bobby Hill kicks people in the nuts.

The Language of Fear
A frightened populace is easier to control, so it’s in the interest of some powers to change speech to make ideas that are different scary. Accordingly, “universal healthcare” becomes “socialized medicine,” the “estate tax” becomes the “death tax,” and “French Fries” become “Freedom Fries.”

If given the option, most people would drift away in their sleep (for some reason going in a fiery car wreck wasn’t the number one choice). Not me. I want to be aware I’m dying. It will be the last thing I ever do, so I want to experience it, but I don’t want it to hurt. Is that possible?

When you‘re at a concert, don’t be the knuckle-dragger who starts calling for the artist’s biggest hit (you know, the one that’s a lock for the encore) after the second or third song of the second set. Listening to some asshole scream “American Girl” for over an hour at Tom Petty doesn’t make murder right, but it does make it understandable.

That‘s it for now everyone. Sign up for The Modern Day Critic mailing list by emailing with “Me First” in the subject, and remember: Just because it fits in your mouth, doesn’t mean you should eat it.

I see that we meet again …

Remember when all you needed to be a movie bad guy was blonde hair and a bad attitude? William Zabka does. He played Johnny, the lead asshole, in the Karate Kid. It’s because of him and the success of the film that Hollywood casting agents joined the fight against originality. Thus subsequent 80’s films like Back to School (Zabka again), Revenge of the Nerds (Ted McGinest), and Real Genius (Robert Prescott), all featured a Johnny character of their own.

The Beer Summit
To assuage civil unrest from Police Sergeant James Crowley’s arrest of Professor Henry Gates Jr. in his own home, President Obama invited the men to the White House for beers –yet another great idea from the hippest president since JFK. But why stop there? He should meet everyone— from the Pope to Putin—at the White House for booze. And for visitors that don’t drink? Crack summits. Everyone loves crack.

Jesus Christ
What gives rightwing, redneck, conservative, fuck heads the right to claim this guy as their own? Pro-gun. War-mongering. Anti-gay. Close-minded. All the things they are, I’d wager he wasn’t. I didn’t know the man, but I’m pretty sure Jesus was a liberal, and from the way he’s portrayed— the first hippie.

Rush Limbaugh
Rush is fond of labeling people on the left “Liberal Nazis. “ Now, I’m no history student, but weren’t Nazis the most conservative political party in world history? There can be “Liberal Communists,” but “Nazis” sounds more relevant (even going on 65+ years), especially to the klingon, fuck faces who listen to this fat head.

Your vs. You’re
At the risk of sounding like an asshole (okay, I’m sounding like an asshole), please use the proper form of “your” or “you’re” in writing. It’s not hard. “You’re” is a contraction. It means “you are.” “Your” is possessive. Use it if the subject owns something. Now go forth, and write. Just don’t fuck up “their,” “there,” and “they’re.”

If you enjoyed Issue 19 the Modern Day Critic, please pass it on to a friend. Sign up for The Modern Day Critic mailing list by emailing with “Me First” in the subject. And remember: You can pick your friends and you can pick your boogers, but you can’t wipe your friends on the couch.