Twenty issues, huh? By my count, that’s at least 90 grains of truth and fun that have gone your way. How do I do it? I self-medicate into a stupor, and when I come around there are four or five paragraphs in front of me. It’s fun. See?

Kevin Youklis
Youklis is the Boston Red Sox player who was suspended for five games for charging the mound when he was hit by a pitch by Detroit’s Rick Porcello. Part of the rational for his punishment? His actions influence on kids. What’s so special about kids? Fuck kids. They could learn a useful life lesson from the incident: Throw a ball at someone and they might beat the shit out of you.

Things I Like
Little kids that cover their mouths when they sneeze. Artists that include a hidden track on their CD. The level of carbonation in a perfectly balanced fountain soda. Unassisted triple plays. The episode of King of the Hill where Bobby Hill kicks people in the nuts.

The Language of Fear
A frightened populace is easier to control, so it’s in the interest of some powers to change speech to make ideas that are different scary. Accordingly, “universal healthcare” becomes “socialized medicine,” the “estate tax” becomes the “death tax,” and “French Fries” become “Freedom Fries.”

If given the option, most people would drift away in their sleep (for some reason going in a fiery car wreck wasn’t the number one choice). Not me. I want to be aware I’m dying. It will be the last thing I ever do, so I want to experience it, but I don’t want it to hurt. Is that possible?

When you‘re at a concert, don’t be the knuckle-dragger who starts calling for the artist’s biggest hit (you know, the one that’s a lock for the encore) after the second or third song of the second set. Listening to some asshole scream “American Girl” for over an hour at Tom Petty doesn’t make murder right, but it does make it understandable.

That‘s it for now everyone. Sign up for The Modern Day Critic mailing list by emailing with “Me First” in the subject, and remember: Just because it fits in your mouth, doesn’t mean you should eat it.