September 2009

Welcome to Issue 22 of The Modern Day Critic. You should know what to expect by now, and if you don’t you’re either new (check out the past issues too) or slow (sorry).

I like the philosophy that freedom from desire is the pathway to enlightenment, but that doesn’t make it any easier to follow. It’s hard not to want things–especially in a society that offers a 79 cent nacho plate.

Obama’s Speech to Students
There are people who are so afraid of this president and his “agenda,” they managed to make a much publicized stink about his speech to school students. An hour of listening to the president won’t change your influence over your kids. So, don’t worry, if you’re an asshole, there’s still a good chance your kid will be an asshole too … just like you.

Now … what was I talking about?

Bull Riding
The reason bulls jump and flail is that when the rider sits on their back a rope tightens around their testicles, and it’s not until they buck the guy off that the pain subsides. To score, a rider must stay on for eight seconds, which doesn’t seem like a long time to you and me, but tell that to the bull.

Dress Codes
The MDC has had lots of writing jobs, but only one of them—at a major retailer—had a dress code. I had to ask: Why the business attire requirement, when we were never seen by the public? The answer: Because that’s the way it’s always been. That‘s right up there with “because I said so,” as the worst answer of all time. In fact, if that were a good answer, we’d still be chucking shit at each other from the tree tops.

Thanks to Bob D. for the topic.

Plug Box
Featuring essays and shorts by luminaries such as Hunter S. Thompson, Mark Twain, and George Plimpton, The Dreaded Feast: Writers on Enduring the Holidays also includes “Home for the Holidays” by Friend of the Critic Christine Radant. Pick up a copy (or three) in October.

Got something you’d like to plug? Email the details with “Plug This” in the subject to

This issue’s take-away: Like it or not, those animal crackers you’re eating are really just cookies.

The Modern Day Critic runs on eyeballs, lots and lots of eyeballs. So, don’t bogart the joy. Pass The Modern Day Critic to anyone who could use some funny stuff (Facebook and email are good for that).

And away we go …

There is a recipe for asparagus in the oldest surviving cookbook. It takes a stalk of asparagus roughly three years to grow. Your urine starts to stink before it’s all the way down your digestive tract.

Yankees Suck
I’m no fan of baseball’s evil empire, but this has got to go. It reeks of poor sportsmanship, and is made even more annoying at concerts, football games, even July 4th celebrations. The Red Sox Nation has nothing to be bitter about any more, so the taunts need to be of a better class. All that being said, you can’t argue with a good “bullshit” chant to let officials know they fucked up.

It’s been Survivor: Borneo, Survivor: Samoa, Survivor: Palau, and more. Now let’s follow the show‘s evolution to the next level, Survivor: Tits and Ass. Reward challenge? Tits and ass. Immunity challenge? More tits and ass. If the producers really wanted to make it tough they’d cast Survivor: Antarctica, but it’s too cold for tits and ass there.

Jigsaw Puzzles
In order to keep sharp (because let’s face it, just this isn’t going to do it), I’ve started doing jigsaw puzzles. My first undertaking: a 2,000 piece photo of Times Square. It’s coming along fine, and if I get bored, I just play the game that came with it: Find the Bits on the Floor.

One of the more ascetically interesting symptoms of my condition (Machado Joseph Disease) is that I drool. I’m not constantly covered like a St. Bernard or anything, but I’ll be having a conversation and a stream of mouth syrup will escape. Usually it’s politely ignored, and no one has yet to exclaim, “HOLY SHIT! THIS GUY’S FUCKING DROOLING!” – even if that’s what they’re thinking.

Plug Box
From time to time, my readers will have events/news/sexual offender notices of their own to share. Simply e-mail the details to with “Plug This” in the subject box, and see it in an upcoming issue of The Modern Day Critic.

Until next time, don’t forget this issue’s take-away: An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, but that levels the playing field.