October 2009

One for the money, two for the show …

A few that I‘d like answered: Does a bag of clean clothes weigh the same as that same bag of clothes does dirty? Up until I finish this sentence, how many words have I written in my life? What’s the origin of shouting “Free Bird” at concerts?

Everything about this part of the car, would leave you to believe it’s made to be hit. They’re there to protect. They stick out the furthest on you car. Even the name, “bumper,” alludes to their purpose. So if the bumper is made to get dinged up, why do people get so pissed when theirs gets scratched?

Super Sugar Crisp Cereal
Soon after the mascot, Sugar Bear, lost his foot due to complications from diabetes, the cereal’s name was changed to Golden Crisp. I guess being consistently ranked as one of the most sugar laden cereals doesn’t mean shit when you can just change the name to disguise the fact it’s still bad for you.

North Atlantic Right Whale
With an estimated less than 300 left in existence, this endangered whale got its name for being the “right” one to kill. It floats when dead, is slow moving, and once numbered in the tens of thousands. Although one wonders, how would they have benefitted from a different name? Who would hunt the North Atlantic Penis Shrinking Whale?

Raiders of the Lost Ark
We go to subpar sequels because 28 years ago, the greatest of all action/adventure movies made its debut. We hope against all odds that the newest movie will recapture some of the original’s charm. And when it doesn’t, we bitch, we poke fun, but we’re not surprised. It takes a special film to make you feel like that. If it’s been at least five years since you’ve seen Raiders of the Lost Ark, watch it. (If you’ve never seen it … shame on you.) If you don’t like it, you don’t like movies. It’s as simple as that.

Plug Box
Feed your head with the blues-soaked sound of Mike Hallal Band, Friday, November 6, The Loft @ Tommy D’s (The Old House of Blues), 96 Winthrop St., Cambridge, MA. 21+, $5 cover, 9pm-12am.
Visit myspace.com/mikehallalband.

This issue’s take away: In a laugh or cry situation, always choose laugh.


Ready, Set, Enjoy …

Laugh Tracks
Canned laughter is for the benefit of the television audience. It’s punctuation that says, “that was a joke, insert laughter here.” Newly successful comedies like The Office, however, rely on the intelligence of viewers to pick out the funny parts. So it could be said that whenever you chuckled at shows with a laugh track (Seinfeld, Drew Carey, Cheers), the producers were calling you stupid.

Back to School
I don’t even have kids, and I like this time of year. The reason: Back to school shopping. I go for the pencils, and stay for the disappointment. I like to remind kids why they’re there. “That shirt you’ve got to grow into will be lame by the time it fits,” and the even more depressing, “Someday, you’ll realize these were the easy years.”

Our world is brimming with microscopic germs and bacteria. We can’t avoid them, so why worry? Of course, washing your hands before you eat is good hygiene, but must the soap be washed first? Just because it might’ve cleaned someone’s ass and you want to use it on your face doesn’t mean…oh, wait…okay…now I understand.

Replacement Shows
When a television show sucks enough to be pulled mid-season, the one that succeeds it is usually touted as the best thing to ever grace the medium. If they were honest, the promos would be more like, “Don’t miss Rosie Perez in Second Shift, a program that wasn’t good enough to crack our original lineup, but that we hope will be sufficient enough now.”

The Mens Room
There are one room public bathrooms that feature a single bowl and a urinal in an open floor plan. Why? Has any one ever been invited to piss, while someone else takes a dump, or vice versa? And if so, did they go?

Plug Box
Got something you’d like to plug? Email the details with “Plug This” in the subject to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

This issue’s take away: If the truth hurts, we could all use some pain.