November 2009

Memory is a fickle bitch. It allows me to forget more great ideas then I care to think about (maybe that’s the problem), but then again, it does keep me from crapping in my pants on a daily basis. So, let’s call it a draw.

I’ve always appreciated alliteration. The similar sounds make it so. Some people prefer it otherwise, and although very vapid, their view is also valid. To them, I say: “Tough Ta-Tas.”

It’s ironic that people give thanks for all they have, just before the insanity begins to buy them what they want. Thanksgiving is cool because it remains one of our least commercialized holidays – that is, until marketers can figure out a way to make you feel bad about not giving a Thanksgiving Day gift. Which leads me to:

Black Friday
The name “Black Friday” is so foreboding and full of dread that everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves. Although one wonders how successful the sales would be if the original name had stuck: “Fucking Idiot Assholes Who Would Sacrifice Their Fellow Man to Save a Buck and the Evil Corporations Who Encourage It” Day?

I used to think vampires were filthy, villainous, children-of-the-night, who needed blood to continue their foul existence. Apparently, I was wrong. Vampires are hyper-sexual, misunderstood souls who – even though they inhabit dead bodies – still maintain an ability to fuck.

This issue’s take away: There’s nothing like a cold, hard, toilet seat to remind you that you’re alive.

Note: The Modern Day Critic will be on hiatus through December. Look forward to a new issue in January 2010. Thanks!

I know the language is evolving, much the way we are (suck it, creationists), but I don’t have to like it. The new writing is just lazy. Don’t know a rule? Ignore it. Spell check? Don’t bother. You can just write: Im going 2-nite R U? LOL.

Social Security Disability
After completing the months long application process, your approval is sent via what’s called a notice of award. It’s an award, like you won something. I was expecting it to open with:

Congratulations! You have a severe disability that negatively impacts your life. You’re a BIG winner.

If someone harms you, I mean really damages your soul, hate them. Hate them long. Hate them hard. But as the days turn to months or even (if they really fucked up) years, use the energy it took to hate for something positive. You can start by not hating.

Pharmaceutical Advertising
One of the more amusing aspects of marketing prescription only drugs is that product names must be easily identifiable and memorable to consumers. As an example, I give you AciPhex. Combating the varied symptoms of acid reflux disease, AciPhex sounds pretty good–until you realize you’ve got to ask your doctor about it. AciPhex is pronounced Ass Effects.

Plug Box
Tonight (11/6)! Don’t miss the heavy blues, rock, sound of the Mike Hallal Band, live at The Loft @ Tommy D’s (The Old House of Blues), 96 Winthrop St., Cambridge, MA. 21+, $5 cover, 9pm-12am.

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This issue’s take away: The Bible is a novel, not a text book.