January 2010

Well, I’m back again. Share your thoughts, ideas or simply plug an event by emailing moderndaycritic@yahoo.com. And now, here’s something you’ll really enjoy:

Clip Shows
When I was younger, I enjoyed seeing memories I’ve made with a television show played out again. Now that I’m older, and more cynical, I realize clip shows are just the writers being lazy bastards who were short an original idea to make a complete season.

American Idol
If the show decides to do a human interest piece on you, you’re going on to the next round. The producers don’t give a shit that you take care of a troglodyte, retarded half brother, if you can’t hold a tune.

They were right about Iraq. They have the world’s best healthcare system. (It’s free!) And without their help, Americans could still be talking with a British accent. So let’s forgive their ill-perceived reputation for acting snooty, because if we were in their place, we’d be bigger dicks than we already are.

NFL’s Play 60
Considering that the average football game is around three hours, the NFL’s initiative to get kids to be physically active for 60 minutes a day is flawed from the start. It’s no wonder kids today are obese. When I was younger (wow, I actually don’t feel like an asshole for that last statement), 60 minutes of play would have been a limitation, not a goal.

This issue’s take away: Forget snakes, and spiders. It’s the human tongue that produces the world’s most caustic venom.

Love it, or hate it … please pass The Modern Day Critic on.

Howdy all and welcome back to The Modern Day Critic. It’s a new year, and that means more opportunities to laugh at the short comings of others. And so, let’s begin:

Ripley’s Believe It or Not
Here’s an entire company built on the possibility of bullshit. Case in point: The Netu Tribe of upper Papua New Guinea subsists entirely on the legs of two pound grasshoppers during the dry season. Apparently, they taste just like chicken. Believe it, or not?

Tex Avery
If you drop a cymbal on someone’s head, they become Asian for a short time. Bulldogs need black face for adequate Al Jolson impressions. Fleas that play Dixieland music smoke cigarettes during set breaks. These are but a few of the life lessons instilled in me as a child watching Tex Avery cartoons. Most of which are seen as unfit for today’s youth, and that’s a shame. How else are they going to learn not to put TNT sticks in their mouths?

In the realm of unfortunate eatery names, you’d be hard pressed to surpass this mall food court burger stand. A flamer, for the uninitiated, is a flashy gay man. So until a restaurant opens called Flamboyant Homos, Flamers will be safely ensconced in the top spot.

The False Stop
Done by the right musicians, in the right song, in the right context, the false stop elevates a performance to new levels. Check out “Delta Women” on Joe Cocker’s Mad Dogs and Englishmen for proof that in music, like life, a little silence can be a beautiful thing.

Pregnancy Nose
I wasn’t aware of this, but women who are pregnant gain super powers. In the case of my wife, it is a sense of smell that could rival a bloodhound’s. However her nose never picks up baking cookies, or floral arrangements. It’s more like hot garbage, and old cat food … from miles away.

This issue’s take away: In a war of words, the loudest person usually has the least to say.

Questions, comments, book deals: moderndaycritic@yahoo.com