March 2010


This Cripple’s Tale
Revelation: Using a walker can serve as a deterrent to beggars. I recently crossed paths with a bum who was so coin-hungry he accosted several people in every direction at the same time, but when he saw me tooling along with my rollator walker, he actually apologized mid-request. I’m not sure other mobility assistive devices elicit this response. Does anyone know if Steven Hawkings gets asked for spare change?

Brain Burn
E-tards, long-term alkies, even Plaque Jobs (Those delightfully burnt individuals who’ve abused drugs and alcohol to an extent that it deserves an award), all retain the ability to do their jobs. So, if you make french fries, you’ll be able to work a fryalator. If you’re a carpenter, hanging sheet rock will be the last to go. I think that’s sad. You spend countless hours and effort getting and staying loaded, and when you’re crispy, the best you can do is … work.

Prank Calls
An unintended casualty of Caller ID, the prank call is another childhood right of passage ruined by technology. Cutting one’s comic teeth while fucking with an unsuspecting victim (is there such a thing as a suspecting victim?) was often a first look at comedic style: Did you play a character, could you improv, or did you stick to a set script? Were you out to infuriate, get a chuckle, or was it just wait and see?

Childhood Limericks 4
“Arty Farty had a party, all the farts were there. Tootie Fruitie let a beauty, and they all went out for air.” The lesson: Any situation can go from bad to worse.

This issue’s take away: Caring about the less fortunate does not make you a socialist.

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Brain Freeze
The unique and searing agony that accompanies the housing down of ice cream, frappes, and other frozen treats serves as a microcosm for most of humanity’s ills. How? It comes from a good thing gone wrong, is fully avoidable, and far funnier when it happens to someone else.

Kumquats
I’m going to resist the urge to poke fun of this fruit’s ridiculous name, and instead poke fun of its marketing. “Nature’s Sweet Tart!” was emblazoned on the last (okay, only) package I bought. That’s kind of sad. To use a candy to sell your fruit. But, I suppose it would be sadder if Sweet Tart’s touted their flavor as “Artificial Kumquats!”

Trivia Night
On a recent trip, my wife and I took part in a trivia night. We played against teams of geriatrics who had lived through most of the questions being asked. But still, I was excited to show off how much baseless shit I knew to a bunch of people I’ve never met, and will never see again. Which, of course, I did.

Throwback Pepsi
The bottle claims this soft drink to be: “Made with Real Sugar!” Does that mean Throwback Coke will be: “Made with Real Cocaine!”? As an aside, you know you’re getting old when you recognize the throwback label from your early teens.

Misconceptions
China’s Great Wall can be seen from space. The sun is closer to the Earth during the summer. You pay an exorbitant amount of taxes.

This issue’s take away: Even true originals have influences.

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