April 2010

Still updated twice a month.

Outsourcing Customer Service
The Truth: “Hello, my name is Mushnick Kumas Al-Akbar, but I’ve been told to tell you it’s Mark. If you can’t understand me then we’re ready to begin: First we’ll try 800 steps designed to try your patience, and then, if I haven’t cut you off, I’ll discover your warranty ran out three hours ago, and so your gizmo is as fucking useless as tits on a bull (which, along with cows, are sacred). Thank you for calling.”

Thanks to Liz V. for the topic.

Mac and Tab
“Mac is a rat. Tab is a cat.” And with those words, thousands of kids began to learn how to read. Now, I’m looking for back up. Can anyone confirm a Mac and Tab book where Tab actually eats Mac, only to have an operation in which a fully formed Mac (there are no stomach acids in kids books) is removed from Tab’s gut? Or is the entire thing a product of my warped imagination?

Baby Registry
As The MDC, and his wife await the arrival of their first bundle of joy, the arduous task of creating a gift registry for a baby shower began weeks ago. It didn’t take long for me to realize these things prey on the insecurities of first time parents to sell them utter crap, either that or I was brought up by monsters. After all , I never had day-glo gore-tex socks that played Elvis Presley every time I shit my diapers.

War. Starvation. Greed. Genocide. Sarah Palin. And we wonder why beings from another planet haven’t made themselves known, yet. Is there other intelligent life in the universe? I’m still waiting for proof that there’s intelligent life here.

Thanks to Mike H. for the topic.

Despite averaging about 200 unique visitors an issue, the most to answer any one poll hovers at around 25. Why? Most of my readers are the opinionated sort, so let’s give this another try:

This issue’s take away: Without regulation, free markets can turn into anything but.

The Modern Day Critic is updated twice a month.

The $50 Bill
GOP hardliners want to replace Ulysses Grant with Ron Reagan on the $50 bill. Let’s look at how they stack up: Led the North to victory over the South in the Civil War: Grant. Was commissioned by Mark Twain to pen his memoirs: Grant. Acted opposite a chimp named Bonzo: Reagan. Final tally: Grant 2, Reagan 1. Verdict: Let Ulysses stay.

All in the Family
Featuring the antics of Archie Bunker, this show would be considered too outlandish, and UN-PC for today. Which is a shame, because it teaches two of life’s most important lessons: 1. Anyone different from you is a feeb. 2. Racism is funny shit.

There was a self-imposed ban to NEVER photograph the only President elected to four terms being transferred in or out of his wheelchair. Today, however, telescopic lenses would be used to document his troubles in the john. It’s a fucked up world.

Valentine’s Day
When pressed, most intelligent women will admit this “holiday” was invented by greeting card companies, and florists to sell their wares. However, most intelligent men wouldn’t dare come home empty handed to those same women on February 14.

NCAA Tourney
I’m calling an intentional foul on the plan to expand the NCAA basketball tourney from 48 to 96 teams. When one out of every three teams is guaranteed a spot in the tourney, their whole season becomes practically moot. Plus, scoring the office pool will become more convoluted, and the NIT will be a much larger joke than it already is.

I need your help. Please suggest topics for me to riff on, and I’ll credit you in that same issue. Either leave a comment, or email your suggestion to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

This issue’s take away: Thinking for yourself is sometimes hard, but always necessary.