The Modern Day Critic is updated twice a month.

The $50 Bill
GOP hardliners want to replace Ulysses Grant with Ron Reagan on the $50 bill. Let’s look at how they stack up: Led the North to victory over the South in the Civil War: Grant. Was commissioned by Mark Twain to pen his memoirs: Grant. Acted opposite a chimp named Bonzo: Reagan. Final tally: Grant 2, Reagan 1. Verdict: Let Ulysses stay.

All in the Family
Featuring the antics of Archie Bunker, this show would be considered too outlandish, and UN-PC for today. Which is a shame, because it teaches two of life’s most important lessons: 1. Anyone different from you is a feeb. 2. Racism is funny shit.

There was a self-imposed ban to NEVER photograph the only President elected to four terms being transferred in or out of his wheelchair. Today, however, telescopic lenses would be used to document his troubles in the john. It’s a fucked up world.

Valentine’s Day
When pressed, most intelligent women will admit this “holiday” was invented by greeting card companies, and florists to sell their wares. However, most intelligent men wouldn’t dare come home empty handed to those same women on February 14.

NCAA Tourney
I’m calling an intentional foul on the plan to expand the NCAA basketball tourney from 48 to 96 teams. When one out of every three teams is guaranteed a spot in the tourney, their whole season becomes practically moot. Plus, scoring the office pool will become more convoluted, and the NIT will be a much larger joke than it already is.

I need your help. Please suggest topics for me to riff on, and I’ll credit you in that same issue. Either leave a comment, or email your suggestion to

This issue’s take away: Thinking for yourself is sometimes hard, but always necessary.