Mother’s Day Cards (For Grandmother’s)
Greeting card companies hate grandmas. I couldn’t find a card with less than six stanzas expounding upon her virtues. Grandmas don’t have time for that. Why don’t these cards say, “By the time you’re done reading this you’ll be dead”?

The Meaning of Life
I figured it out. Ready? The meaning of life is DIFFERENT for everybody. And it changes. (If the meaning of your life now is the same as when you were 16, I’m sorry.) With countless trillions of life forms on this planet alone, to try to figure one grand meaning to it all is futile. I doubt my life has the same meaning as an Australian Aborigine, or even the guy down the street. “Why are we here?” is an easier question to answer: Dad knocked up Mom.

Online Dating
A recent survey found that one in five relationships today started via the internet. That’s 20%! Kind of makes me nostalgic for the way I met my wife – drunk at a fraternity party.

Video Game Movies
More unoriginal Hollywood dreck. There’s never been a good one. Tomb Raider and Resident Evil were the only two successful enough to inspire sequels. And that’s just because they starred leading ladies who were on par with the masturbatory fantasies elicited by their pixelated doppelgangers.

This issue’s take away: A full elevator smells different to a midget.

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