Citizens Bank
A typical radio spot from this bank’s irritating ad campaign: Alexander Hamilton, Secretary of the Treasury, retired, relates 21st century scenarios to the banking principles he helped found, which are then tied into the bank’s services. Retired? Sure, Hamilton was forcibly “retired” – at the losing end of a duel with Aaron Burr. Either Citizens’ ad agency is ignorant, or they think we are.

The Bad Behavior Table
Peopled with misfit friends and college drinking buddies, the Bad Behavior Table can be found at most any wedding. Take pride in being relegated to this table. If you’re out of hearing distance and behind the fake fichus, everyone around you has a story that the newlyweds wouldn’t want their parents to know.

The Sense of Humor
Being a Daddy has given me a first hand look at the evolution of a sense of humor. I know the day will come when my little girl no longer finds Daddy crawling on the floor like an idiot to be laugh worthy, and I’m curious as to what’s next. Fart noises? Pratt falls?? Romantic comedies??? (Seek help if these are your favorite films. You may suffer from a psychosis known as, “Hugh Grant Syndrome.”)

Pills
Mega-strength muscle relaxants. Souped-up pain killers. Experimental brain protectors. Receptor blockers. Supplements galore. From big fat horse pills to tiny dots, I take, or have taken them all. My current total is 77 a week. My record is 104. You would think side effects would be an issue, but I’m not worried. You would think side effects would be an issue, but I’m not worried. You would think side effects would be an issue, but I’m not worried.

Play Group
There are some benefits to being a handicapped, forced to stay at home Dad. There are negatives too. Take Camille’s play group, for instance. Being the only guy in a room of women baring their breasts: good. When there are little people eating from those breasts: not so much.

Plug Box
Help save the job of a beloved Provincetown, Mass icon. After more than 50 years on the job, traffic director, Donald “The Dancin’ Cop” Thomas has not been rehired for the 2011 summer. Sign this online petition to let Provincetown government know this is not okay! Thank you. http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/dancingcop/

This Issue’s Take Away: Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest. He came in third place.

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