Tribute Bands
The kissing cousin of the cover band, the tribute band aims to emulate the music, style and, mannerisms of certain performers. Not surprisingly, these bands take their names from associations with their muses. Hence, The Fab Faux is a Beatles tribute; Who’s Next channels The Who, and so on. That being said, I’m still waiting for a Kiss tribute band called Our Music Sucks.

Olive Garden
Home to serviceable Italian fare, and rustic décor, this restaurant chain promises “When You’re Here, You’re Family.” So would they give a shit if you got hit by a truck after you’ve left their dinning establishment? (And how much does one tip family, anyway?)

Bank-Issued Accidental Death Insurance
Since I’m “permanently disabled” and not a good bet to most insurers, this is pretty much my only option for insurance. So, if I’m killed by a runaway ice cream truck that’s being piloted by five inebriated penguins, one of whom is named Jose, my wife is going to be a wealthy woman.

MiO Water Enhancer
Six flavors. A trendy egg-shaped container. Zero calories. A marketing campaign that includes a sponsorship of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and a catchy ad. If you’ve ever been sold on this stuff, what you’re drinking is actually hip Kool-Aid.

Whoever Smelt It, Dealt it
Nothing dissolves a group faster than a SBV (silent, but violent) fart. To escape the stink’s epicenter (and avoid being labeled its cause), people run in droves – unless they can’t. The room-clearing bust-ass is one of the cripple’s worst nightmares. They are forced to partake of the aroma while everyone else flees. Worse still, they are left alone in a room that reeks of baked ass, when someone wanders in and automatically assumes it was them in the first place. Blame it on the cripple. A ploy I’d be all for – except, now, I am the cripple.

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