Newt Gingrich
A scumbag in every sense of the word, this presidential hopeful divorced his second wife while she was dying of cancer. Imagine his end of that conversation: “Well, you know I care about you, but the doctors gave you six months, and frankly, I can’t wait that long.”

Private Jokes
As long as your sense of humor isn’t based on them, private jokes are okay. Whether they exist between a small group of friends or two loving hearts, private jokes are best if unexplained. So please don’t feel the need to explain them unless you’re asked. They’re never as good as you think they are – that’s why they’re private.

Boston Sports
Normally I’m not one for braggarts, but when your city is home to seven major championships in 10 years, a little gloating and over all jack-assery can be excused. So that’s why I’m issuing this call to action for Boston sports fans: give me your best bumper sticker lines regarding any (or all) our championship teams. I’ll post my favorites in a later edition of the MDC. Here’s my contribution:

Boston, Ma
Our sports teams dick punch your sports team.

From the Edge with Photographer Peter Lik
Lamely trying to capitalize on the once popular “Survivor Man” and “Man vs. Wild” series, this Weather Channel program features an Australian photographer going to extremes to get the perfect nature shot. Not a bad idea for a show five years ago, but the extreme portion is toned down when he’s advocating how to extend camera battery life by wrapping it in your underwear.

This Issue’s Take Away: Why isn’t there a Surgeon General’s Warning on alcohol?

The MDC is going on hiatus through August. I’ll be back in September.

Tribute Bands
The kissing cousin of the cover band, the tribute band aims to emulate the music, style and, mannerisms of certain performers. Not surprisingly, these bands take their names from associations with their muses. Hence, The Fab Faux is a Beatles tribute; Who’s Next channels The Who, and so on. That being said, I’m still waiting for a Kiss tribute band called Our Music Sucks.

Olive Garden
Home to serviceable Italian fare, and rustic décor, this restaurant chain promises “When You’re Here, You’re Family.” So would they give a shit if you got hit by a truck after you’ve left their dinning establishment? (And how much does one tip family, anyway?)

Bank-Issued Accidental Death Insurance
Since I’m “permanently disabled” and not a good bet to most insurers, this is pretty much my only option for insurance. So, if I’m killed by a runaway ice cream truck that’s being piloted by five inebriated penguins, one of whom is named Jose, my wife is going to be a wealthy woman.

MiO Water Enhancer
Six flavors. A trendy egg-shaped container. Zero calories. A marketing campaign that includes a sponsorship of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and a catchy ad. If you’ve ever been sold on this stuff, what you’re drinking is actually hip Kool-Aid.

Whoever Smelt It, Dealt it
Nothing dissolves a group faster than a SBV (silent, but violent) fart. To escape the stink’s epicenter (and avoid being labeled its cause), people run in droves – unless they can’t. The room-clearing bust-ass is one of the cripple’s worst nightmares. They are forced to partake of the aroma while everyone else flees. Worse still, they are left alone in a room that reeks of baked ass, when someone wanders in and automatically assumes it was them in the first place. Blame it on the cripple. A ploy I’d be all for – except, now, I am the cripple.

This Issue’s Take Away: Contact The MDC at moderndaycritic@yahoo.com, or simply leave a comment.

Osama Bin Laden
After nearly a decade, we finally killed this fucker, and the President is
going to refrain from releasing photos of his corpse. Are there people who actually want to see bullet wound that ended this miserable son-of-a-bitch? Well, yes. Am I one of them? You betcha. It would make an awesome Christmas card.

Guess which one came from Portugal: April showers bring May flowers. Wrinkles should only indicate where smiles have been. If shit had value, the poor wouldn’t have assholes.

Dinosaur Movies
Does the cute brontosaurs baby find his way home? Will the pterodactyl ever see his Mommy again? Do I give a shit? They’re all going to be ended by mass extinction anyway.

Ben Franklin
Poor Richard’s Almanac. The Post Office. Electricity. It’s been well over 200 years and many of this of this founding father’s ideas are with us today. He also said: “Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy.” Apparently, he never drank Budweiser.

This Issue’s Take Away: If you’re at the movies, and something explodes while a character walks away in slow motion, you just wasted ten bucks.

Citizens Bank
A typical radio spot from this bank’s irritating ad campaign: Alexander Hamilton, Secretary of the Treasury, retired, relates 21st century scenarios to the banking principles he helped found, which are then tied into the bank’s services. Retired? Sure, Hamilton was forcibly “retired” – at the losing end of a duel with Aaron Burr. Either Citizens’ ad agency is ignorant, or they think we are.

The Bad Behavior Table
Peopled with misfit friends and college drinking buddies, the Bad Behavior Table can be found at most any wedding. Take pride in being relegated to this table. If you’re out of hearing distance and behind the fake fichus, everyone around you has a story that the newlyweds wouldn’t want their parents to know.

The Sense of Humor
Being a Daddy has given me a first hand look at the evolution of a sense of humor. I know the day will come when my little girl no longer finds Daddy crawling on the floor like an idiot to be laugh worthy, and I’m curious as to what’s next. Fart noises? Pratt falls?? Romantic comedies??? (Seek help if these are your favorite films. You may suffer from a psychosis known as, “Hugh Grant Syndrome.”)

Mega-strength muscle relaxants. Souped-up pain killers. Experimental brain protectors. Receptor blockers. Supplements galore. From big fat horse pills to tiny dots, I take, or have taken them all. My current total is 77 a week. My record is 104. You would think side effects would be an issue, but I’m not worried. You would think side effects would be an issue, but I’m not worried. You would think side effects would be an issue, but I’m not worried.

Play Group
There are some benefits to being a handicapped, forced to stay at home Dad. There are negatives too. Take Camille’s play group, for instance. Being the only guy in a room of women baring their breasts: good. When there are little people eating from those breasts: not so much.

Plug Box
Help save the job of a beloved Provincetown, Mass icon. After more than 50 years on the job, traffic director, Donald “The Dancin’ Cop” Thomas has not been rehired for the 2011 summer. Sign this online petition to let Provincetown government know this is not okay! Thank you. http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/dancingcop/

This Issue’s Take Away: Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest. He came in third place.

2011 Super Bowl Half Time Show
I used to think the Black Eyed Peas sucked. Then I saw their Super Bowl act … now I know they do. Featuring enough dancers, costumes and lights to rival the end of the Chinese Olympics, their musical performance should be remembered by what it did not have – musicians. I guess they couldn’t fit on the stage with the Peas and their colossal heads.

While Fergie did her impressively lame Axl Rose impersonation on a stale-to-say-the-least version of Sweet Child o’ Mine, the man who wrote one of rock’s most recognizable rifts blared it on his guitar for the 57 millionth time. Why? I guess that when the Black Eyed Peas come knocking, you don’t say no.

Usher got no introduction for his portion of the halftime show. That’s too bad. How else am I going to know whose records to avoid? After a few verses of computer-assisted bull shit, he wowed the crowd with a leap over a ducking Will.I.Am. that landed in a split. Athletic? Sure. Impressive? You bet. Musical? Not on your life. (By the way, is it considered live if you’re being funneled through Auto Tune?)

Bud Light
Once again, Bud Light’s Cracker Jack ad firm laid a huge turd with their Superbowl advertising. Occupying the opening spot, their take on trendy home improvement shows was a good idea, but the execution just wasn’t that funny, and it grows less so over time. Since the brand is all about image, it’s no wonder Bud Light’s sales continue to plummet. Maybe they should take some of the millions spent on marketing and – God forbid – improve the beer … but that’s just stupid.

Like most new parents, I’ve taken to referring to myself in the third person when talking to my kid: “Daddy’s going to get his jacket,” or “Sit down with Daddy.” Has this Daddy character forever become part of my head? Will “Daddy has to go to the potty” become “Oopsie, Daddy just sharted”?

This issue’s take away: New person smell trumps new car smell.

The MDC is updated monthly, and can be reached by email at moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

Big Foot
I know this is coming about nine months early, but for a Halloween costume you really can’t beat Big Foot. It’s the fastest, easiest, most cost effective costume there is, and you’re wearing it right now. How’s that, you ask? Whatever you have on is ideal – because no one knows what Big Foot looks like.

Just do it. Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. It’s the real thing. Taglines get at the essence of a brand. It’s the kind of thing I wrote before my body gave out. That being said, I do have a tagline for my own head: It does more than just grow hair.

Infant Toys
I have yet to run across a toy for the three month old set that couldn’t easily double as a dog toy. They’re all soft, brightly colored, and a great many of them squeak when squeezed. Sadly, it’s not vice-versa. Tug of war wasn’t even a challenge when my daughter and I played with that piece of knotted rope I gave her.

Children’s Books
The Very Hungry Caterpillar. The Very Busy Spider. The Very Quiet Cricket. For reasons that seem obvious to me, writers (but I guess not children’s books writers) are taught to avoid the word “very.” I’m getting in on this racket. So be on the lookout for my tome: The Very Scalding Boiling Water.

Snake Oil
It’s more refreshing than ice-cream. It has zero calories, but a full day’s supply of nutrients. It cures asthma, obesity, and rectal hemorrhaging. It’s good for halitosis, near-sightedness, and the clap. Your doctor doesn’t want you to know about it … but Dewey Cheatum does. Join him (if your check clears) at a series of informative seminars to learn what “it” is. Seminars are $500 each. Bring a friend.

Plug Box
Check out this five minute movie about Mike Williams, an illustrator, animator, and designer who has Machado Joseph Disease too.

You can still reach me by emailing moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

This Issue’s Take Away: There can be some positives to negative thinking.

Babies used to be less than a blip on my radar. I didn’t think twice about the contents of strollers as they passed me by. And then I had one. Suddenly, I’m watching “baby plays with dog” videos online. I’m paying attention to commercials that feature the the little tykes. I even have an opinion on Pampers vs. Huggies. Sometimes, I want to kick my own ass.

As the proud Dad of a nearly six month old daughter, I can tell you that this behavior has been grossly mislabeled. I’ve seen tears comes from my baby on only a handful of occasions, but I guess if we called it by its true name, “screaming,” there would be a lot fewer children out there.

Water boarding. Electro-shock. Forced viewing of a One Tree Hill marathon. There is no more of an effective deterrent to swearing than having a baby. In fact, I’ve curtailed my vulgarities so much that I fear they won’t come back to me until my daughter’s old enough to hear them (I figure four years old will do.) Unless … are “shit bag” and “cock munch” appropriate first words? They aren’t? Fuck.

I understand the need for ritual in religion. Catholics pour water over someone to signify their entrance into the faith. I’m cool with that. It’s the cleansing of sin part of it I don’t get. My daughter was four months old when she was baptized. She’s never sinned. Unless crapping yourself is a sin, and if it is, I’m in big trouble.

The insertion of tubes and cameras to probe your plumbing might be as horrible as it sounds if you were awake to experience it. What does suck, however, is the preparation. Any time instruction for a procedure contains the line, “When the diarrhea begins…” it won’t be fun. Bring a book.

You can still reach me by emailing moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

This issue’s take away: Giraffes have no vocal chords.

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