This Cripple’s Tale
Revelation: Using a walker can serve as a deterrent to beggars. I recently crossed paths with a bum who was so coin-hungry he accosted several people in every direction at the same time, but when he saw me tooling along with my rollator walker, he actually apologized mid-request. I’m not sure other mobility assistive devices elicit this response. Does anyone know if Steven Hawkings gets asked for spare change?

Brain Burn
E-tards, long-term alkies, even Plaque Jobs (Those delightfully burnt individuals who’ve abused drugs and alcohol to an extent that it deserves an award), all retain the ability to do their jobs. So, if you make french fries, you’ll be able to work a fryalator. If you’re a carpenter, hanging sheet rock will be the last to go. I think that’s sad. You spend countless hours and effort getting and staying loaded, and when you’re crispy, the best you can do is … work.

Prank Calls
An unintended casualty of Caller ID, the prank call is another childhood right of passage ruined by technology. Cutting one’s comic teeth while fucking with an unsuspecting victim (is there such a thing as a suspecting victim?) was often a first look at comedic style: Did you play a character, could you improv, or did you stick to a set script? Were you out to infuriate, get a chuckle, or was it just wait and see?

Childhood Limericks 4
“Arty Farty had a party, all the farts were there. Tootie Fruitie let a beauty, and they all went out for air.” The lesson: Any situation can go from bad to worse.

This issue’s take away: Caring about the less fortunate does not make you a socialist.

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