As I remain woefully unemployed and suckling at the government teat, I’ve decided to try to update the Critic three times a month. That means upwards of 36 issues per year of inane bullshit, but as long as you keep reading, I’ll keep writing (Actually, I’d write anyway, but that’s beside the point).

Send an email to with “Me First” in the subject to be added to The Modern Day Critic Mailing list. Thanks to those who’ve already signed up.

And now, on with the show:

Michael Phelps
After losing his Kellogs endorsement for the bong hit heard around the world, Phelps now owns the most expensive dime bag in history. Punishing him for smoking herb is like punishing him for being 24. Remember what the bible says, “Let he who is without a binger cast the first stone.”

Best of Albums
By purchasing a “Best of” compilation, you’re missing the original album’s hidden gems and allowing others to determine the songs you should be listening to. Don’t hand this important decision to the bland, radio-friendly masses. Think (or in this case, listen) for yourself. Buy the albums those “hits” came from. Chances are, you won’t regret it.

Note to radio stations that play “lost” classics: If a tune’s on a Best of Album, it’s not lost.

Euphemisms for Gluteus Maximus
Ass, arse, rump, buttocks, coo, cheeks, toilet, butt, bumper, pooper, dumper, derriere, dump truck, bottom, backdoor, posterior, tush, tuckus, booty, badunkadunk, can, rear, rear end, buns, junk in the trunk, fart bag, turd cutter

Faux Hawks
Seen all over, the faux hawk is destined to be ridiculed as the mullet of the early 21st century. You know, the kinda thing people point out in old photos and laugh at. If you want people to think you’re badass, get a real mohawk. Otherwise, you’re just a douche bag with too much crap in his hair.

Shameless Self Promotion
If anyone out there has need of a writer (ads, flyers, direct mail, etc.), I’m wiling to whore myself out at a reduced rate. And as a bonus, I’ll work remotely so you never have to see my ugly mug. Work samples are available at Email for more info.

Well that’s about all the blather I could muster for this week. Drop me a line with any questions, comments or suggestions. Until next time …