Unverified Facts
People who prefer their toilet paper to fold over, rather than under, the roll are good in bed. You have friends on facebook you’ve never spoken to in real life. If Michelle Bachman and Rick Perry had a kid, it would be the antichrist.

One bonus to being confined to wheelchair is that I get to see the basic goodness of humanity everyday. To the dude who held up a line of cars exiting the bank to make sure I can get into the ATM, the woman who helped me grab a bottle of Pepsi while grocery shopping, and all the people that afford me the courtesies in-between, I say “Thank You.” Of course, the cynic in me thinks they go home and beat the crap out of their pets.

J.C. Penney
This popular retailer followed the release and recall of a t-shirt with the line, “I’m too pretty to do homework” (who thought that was a good idea?) with this broadcast gem. Whereas some women’s groups see a misogynistic message, I just see bad advertising. After all, who can tell me how many pairs of slacks this spot featured? I thought so.

Let me save you some time. Find the unedited pool scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High here. (Warning: By clicking this link, you agree to see Phoebe Cates’ bodacious boobies.)

This Issue’s Take Away: If no news is good news, what does it mean that there are three 24 hour news networks?

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Yard Sales
Me: How much for the picture frame? Yard Sale Host (YSH): Fifty dollars. Me: It’s made of chipped wood. I’ll give you $0.75. YSH: It was my grandmother’s. Me: Okay, a dollar. The lesson: Sentimental value doesn’t mean shit when it’s next to Kenny Loggins cassettes and old baby clothes.

The Ocean
Covering roughly two-thirds of the planet, oceans are home to millions of forms of life … and their poo. So the next time you’re at the beach remember you’re swimming in a giant toilet that never gets flushed.

The Mall
The pinnacle of capitalism gone wrong, rare is the mall that doesn’t have me stifling the urge to vomit within 15 minutes. Just loads of chain stores pedaling mass produced shit to knuckle draggers with low IQs and too much disposable income. In fact , the word “Mall” is short for the Latin verb “Mallirocala,” meaning to twist testicles.

Stupid Facts
Ancient Egyptians shaved their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats. Petrified buffalo penis was once thought to ward off impotence. Radio waves travel better over water.

The reaction to the swine flu epidemic (is it alright to call it that yet?) has been swift and justified. Don’t be surprised if its origin isn’t traceable to pigs, but to a toddler who hasn’t been taught to cover his fucking mouth when sneezing and coughing. (You hear that parents? Your kid may be cute, but I don’t want to share his spittle.)

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