Email with “Me First” in the subject to be added to The Modern Day Critic Mailing list. Remember, sharing is caring, so be sure to pass The Critic to a friend. And away we go:

Yard Sales
Me: How much for the picture frame? Yard Sale Host (YSH): Fifty dollars. Me: It’s made of chipped wood. I’ll give you $0.75. YSH: It was my grandmother’s. Me: Okay, a dollar. The lesson: Sentimental value doesn’t mean shit when it’s next to Kenny Loggins cassettes and old baby clothes.

The Ocean
Covering roughly two-thirds of the planet, oceans are home to millions of forms of life … and their poo. So the next time you’re at the beach remember you’re swimming in a giant toilet that never gets flushed.

The Mall
The pinnacle of capitalism gone wrong, rare is the mall that doesn’t have me stifling the urge to vomit within 15 minutes. Just loads of chain stores pedaling mass produced shit to knuckle draggers with low IQs and too much disposable income. In fact , the word “Mall” is short for the Latin verb “Mallirocala,” meaning to twist testicles.

Stupid Facts
Ancient Egyptians shaved their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats. Petrified buffalo penis was once thought to ward off impotence. Radio waves travel better over water.

The reaction to the swine flu epidemic (is it alright to call it that yet?) has been swift and justified. Don’t be surprised if its origin isn’t traceable to pigs, but to a toddler who hasn’t been taught to cover his fucking mouth when sneezing and coughing. (You hear that parents? Your kid may be cute, but I don’t want to share his spittle.)

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