Hunger is an Appetite Stimulant

First, the bad news: Because my disability saps energy like so many vampire bats, I will be reducing the number of issue from three to two a month. Now, the good news: There are still 165 shopping days until Christmas.

Bow Ties
The “hey everybody look at me” fashion accessory for men, bow ties are a sure mark of the incredibly lame. Guys who wear bow ties want everyone to think they’re quirky and different. Well, they’re not. They’re just like you—except they probably got beat up a lot in high school.

Independence Days
This past July 4 got me thinking about the Independence Day of other countries. It turns out that a lot of them are from the United Kingdom. Pakistan’s is August 14. Fiji’s is October 10. Ghana’s is March 6. The list goes on. And since the UK has no Independence Day of its own, I suggest they celebrate a series of Dependence Days, and commemorate when a country first fell under their imperialist thumb.

The Scary Child Movie
Further proof that Hollywood is full of formulaic crap, they churn out films about scary kids at an ungodly rate: The Omen, The Omen II, The Good Son, The Unborn, Orphan, The Children, Children of the Corn, and many more. I can see the pitch meetings now: Producer: So, the kid kills people. Studio Exec: Is the kid scary? Producer: Very. Studio Exec: Sold!

Jaime Kennedy
This guy’s movies suck. He made 2007’s Heckler, a film bitching about how people say they suck. And guess what? That sucked (Although slightly less than his other films). Here’s a tip from the totally unqualified: Don’t put Pauly Shore in your movies. People hate that guy. Why? Because he sucks.

Plug Box
Vote for my sister-in-law’s photo for the monthly amateur shutterbug contest held by The Boston Globe here. Hers is the photo of the fly fisherman (If you don’t see it, you may have to scroll down on the photos). It’s quick, easy and there’s no sign in required.

Come back in August for more shenanigans (I always wanted to use that word). And as always, I can be reached with questions, comments, and inexplicable tirades at moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

 

There May Be No Atheists in Fox Holes, But I Bet There’s Plenty of Shit Pants.

Sorry for the recent lack of production, but I was caught under something heavy. So on to the reason you’re here:

Community Supported Agriculture
I was impressed with my first up-close exposure with a program like this: Pay a flat fee at the start of the season and pick up a variety of farm fresh produce weekly. Most refreshing? It was all on the honor system. Even a public lending library will slap a fine on you if you hold onto a book for too long.

Twin River
For those of you who aren’t aware, Twin River is a slot machine parlor with a dilapidated dog track and no table games in Lincoln, RI. It closes at 3 am during the week, is open 24 hours on the weekend, and recently filed Chapter 11 due to a lack of business. The governor’s plan to fix it? Expand the hours. Totally ignoring the first rule of getting out of a hole: Stop digging.

Thanks to Keith E. for the topic.

Coors Light Cold Activated Bottles and Cans
Right up there with the stupidest sales promos of all time, Coors Light’s cans and bottles that turn blue when they’re cold assume that either their consumers are morons, or they lack the sense of touch. Although given Coors Light’s target market, both could be true.

The Muppets
Half-moppet, half-puppet and 100% enjoyable, The Muppets are at the pinnacle of entertainment that can be shared by kids and adults. I defy you to take in this clip of The Muppet Show’s house band Electric Mayhem with Dizzy Gillespie and then not look at more clips. Quite simply, it’s fucking fantastic.

Thanks to Aaron E. for the topic.

If you ever return here from those Muppet Show clips, you’re just in time for the end of issue 17. Be on the lookout for the next issue in a couple weeks and remember to send questions, comments and plug requests to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

 

The Lesser of Two Evils is Still Evil.

I realize this issue is coming to you a little later than expected, but I had been focusing my energies on the cluster fuck that was Stride gum’s “Name the Flavor” contest. For those of you who aren’t aware, Stride screwed the pooch by not informing contestants of repeat entries, thus dooming the contest to the rightful bitching of entrants who thought they (myself included) were in the running for the $10K prize.

It’s because of Stride’s ineptitude, there will be only two issues of The MDC this month. Stride has not only taken the hopes of hundreds of contestants, but they’ve stolen your laughter.

Stride Gum
I should have known that attention to detail wasn’t their strong suit by their ad campaign: The ridiculously long lasting gum. Truthfully, the gum doesn’t last any longer than Bazooka, Big Red, or even Fruit Stripe. It’s the gum’s flavor that’s long-lasting. And the secret to that is simple: Human sacrifice.

My friend’s quickly came to my defense with their own take on Stride gum. Some of my favorites:

“Stride Suppository Flavor. Stride gum, go stick it in yer ass” – Josiah M.
“Stride Pride Gum. For a little gay stick in your mouth.” – Gene M.
“Studies show Stride Gum gives you mouth cancer.” – Peter C.

In a war of the words, I’ve got my army.

Campaigning
A lesson I learned form the whole Stride gum debacle: I wouldn’t be a good politician. The campaigning would kill me. Scrounging for votes from friends, family, and total strangers for three days was exhausting enough. And that was for a friggin’ gum, not an economic reform package.

Jon and Kate Plus Eight
I hate that knowledge of these two assholes, and their show is taking up valuable space in my cranium. I could give less than a tin shit about who this dick head is fucking, what she thinks about it, or how multiple birthday parties affect their pathetic excuse of a reality show driven marriage.

Body Cleansing
Shitting, shitting and more shitting. I don’t know if there’s more to it than that, but if you take one of those body-cleansing pills, you’d better be ready for a few hours on the can. Bring a book.

The Plug Box
Check out “Is She Really Going out with Him?” on Mtv at 5:30pm on Monday, June 15. You won’t find better television about douche bags and the hot chicks who love them.

The Plug Box II
Get your fill of rootsy blues rock as the Mike Hallal Band drops the hammer at Tommy Doyle’s, 96 Winthrop Street, Cambridge, on Friday, June 12. 9pm start. $3 cover. 21+

Got anything for the Plug Box? Email moderndaycritic@yahoo.com with “Plug” in the subject, and I’ll set you up. The words and exposure are free.

 

Only users lose drugs.

This edition of The Modern Day Critic is brought to you by a long weekend on the Cape. If you haven’t already, sign up for The Modern Day Critic mailing list by sending a message to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com with “Me First” in the subject line. And remember, only selfish bastards don’t share the fun around. So pass this on to anyone who could use a laugh (and who couldn’t?).

Popeye
Don’t let the forearm tattoos, corn cob pipe and romance with Olive Oyl distract you from this cartoon’s real message: Problems are solved with performance enhancing substances and ultra-violence.

Umlauts
While they may have a place in their native German, umlauts are just two dots floating above seemingly random vowels in the English language. Screaming look at me, they are far and away the most pretentious punctuation mark in use today.

William Howard Taft
After securing arbitration treaties with Britain and France in the early 20th century, Taft, the 27th President of the United States, cemented his reputation as one of the first proponents of world peace. Also, he was a 300lb. fat fuck who one got stuck in a bathtub.

Childhood Limericks 2
“Fat and Skinny lying in bed, Fat rolled over and Skinny was dead.” The Lesson: There are risks to being a chubby chaser.

Business Meetings
Although it’s been awhile since I’ve attended one, I feel safe in claiming 95% of them are absolute, unequivocal bullshit. And there’s a special ring of Hell for all the managers and go-getters who insist on scheduling them at 9am, because if there’s anything worse than bullshit, it’s first thing in the morning bullshit.

Thanks to Janeen L. for the topic.

If you want to unsubscribe to the Modern Day Critic mailing list, simply drop a line with “I Suck” in the subject line to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com and may the fleas of a thousand years visit your tent.

 

I think it’s unfair that “illiterate” is a word.

Howdy all and welcome to Issue 14 of The Modern Day Critic. If the past couple of issues seemed to be lacking my usual scathing grace, it’s because they were. And so, this is coming at you with a renewed sense of purpose (and a healthy dose of pain medication). So, this Bud’s for you:

Childhood Limericks 1
“Don’t say ain’t. Your mother will faint. Your father will fall in a bucket of paint. Your sister will cry. Your brother will die, and that’s the end of the lullaby.” The Lesson: Use poor grammar and your brother is fucked.

Suicide
If you try to kill yourself and you fail, it’s either a desperate cry for help or a serious lack of ability. Your closest drug store is filled with enough pills to take down herds of elephants, so why do something fancy like try to hang yourself without tying a proper noose?

Sunscreen
A quick jaunt to the pharmacy yesterday introduced me to SPF 100. And that’s just not enough protection for me. I won’t be satisfied until they introduce sunscreen that gives you rickets, something like SPF Vitamin D Negative.

The Price is Right
Still the ultimate “sick and stay home from school” TV show, The Price is Right has changed little since its inception in 1972. New host Drew Carey has filled in for the departed Bob Barker with grace, charm and about 75 extra pounds. I like Drew Carey, but, damn, he is getting fucking fat. In fact, producers have taken to always dressing him in black so contestants don’t confuse him for a PLINKO board.

Join the MDC mailing list by sending a message with “Me First” in the subject line to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com. If you want off the mailing list, just drop me an email with ”I Suck” in the subject line and may your urine always smell of asparagus.

 

I’m not superstitious, but issue 13 could be the luckiest yet.

Email moderndaycritic@yahoo.com with “Me First” in the subject to be added to The Modern Day Critic Mailing list. Remember, sharing is caring, so be sure to pass The Critic to a friend. And away we go:

Yard Sales
Me: How much for the picture frame? Yard Sale Host (YSH): Fifty dollars. Me: It’s made of chipped wood. I’ll give you $0.75. YSH: It was my grandmother’s. Me: Okay, a dollar. The lesson: Sentimental value doesn’t mean shit when it’s next to Kenny Loggins cassettes and old baby clothes.

The Ocean
Covering roughly two-thirds of the planet, oceans are home to millions of forms of life … and their poo. So the next time you’re at the beach remember you’re swimming in a giant toilet that never gets flushed.

The Mall
The pinnacle of capitalism gone wrong, rare is the mall that doesn’t have me stifling the urge to vomit within 15 minutes. Just loads of chain stores pedaling mass produced shit to knuckle draggers with low IQs and too much disposable income. In fact , the word “Mall” is short for the Latin verb “Mallirocala,” meaning to twist testicles.

Stupid Facts
Ancient Egyptians shaved their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats. Petrified buffalo penis was once thought to ward off impotence. Radio waves travel better over water.

Hamthrax
The reaction to the swine flu epidemic (is it alright to call it that yet?) has been swift and justified. Don’t be surprised if its origin isn’t traceable to pigs, but to a toddler who hasn’t been taught to cover his fucking mouth when sneezing and coughing. (You hear that parents? Your kid may be cute, but I don’t want to share his spittle.)

Got an idea you’d like to see handled by The Critic? Submit it to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com and if it’s used, you’ll win a no expense paid trip to Darfur (Malaria shots and guerilla warfare training also not included).

 

Warning: Buy some rubber underwear before reading.

Send an email to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com with “Me First” in the subject to be added to The Modern Day Critic Mailing list. You know what’s next:

Natural Selection
A pigeon gets hit by a car. A hunter shoots himself. A horse runs back into a burning barn. A kid OD’s trying to get HIGH on sleeping pills. (Sleeping pills are DOWNS.) Don’t feel bad about these passings. It’s just nature trying to thin the ranks of the planet’s less than desirable inhabitants.

Linguica
Made of whatever falls on the floor, this delicious Portuguese sausage is the only known food to come out better in the microwave.

Porn
Not that I watch it, but the volume is always way too loud whenever it’s turned on. Or so I’ve heard.

Adjectives
When I was younger, I used to think adjectives made me look smart. Why say something’s big, when it can be described as gargantuan or enormous? As I’ve evolved as a writer, I’ve discovered that adjectives should be used sparingly…and that when I was younger, I was a bit of an asshole.

Feminine Hygiene Advertising
Check it out. Subtly be damned.

Only two issues this month. I’ve been less than prolific. So sue me.

 

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk or kick one another in the nuts.

So, it’s come to this:

The Three Stooges
While I’m not a fan of slapstick, The Three Stooges elevated it to an art form I could appreciate. Every slap, punch and eye-gouge was done with such astute timing and practice they never actually hurt one another. Which is why I’m against The Farrelly Brothers “Stooges” movie. Aside from poo and pee jokes, you can be sure there’ll be green screen too. Would Jim Carrey (Curly) really let Sean Penn (Larry) draw a saw blade across his head? I doubt it.

Rhythm and Blues
Some time ago R&B made the move away from bands like the Rolling Stones to performers like Usher. Why? I get the “Rhythm” part of the name. The ability to keep a beat is essential to music, but where does the “Blues” fit in? Unless “Blue” is how I’m supposed to feel about it.

Thanks to Chris S. for this topic.

The Book
Whenever a bad guy gets caught, they threaten to throw THE BOOK at him, which personally I’d be grateful for. It’s better that than having the crappy film adaptation hurled at you.

Bagpipes
One of the naturally loudest instruments, the bagpipes rarely require amplification to fill a space with sound. Which is good, unless you suck at them.

Big League Chew
Taking the sports/tobacco connection to kids with brazen transparency, this gum is shredded like chewing tobacco, comes in a pouch like chewing tobacco and is even named like a chewing tobacco. However, even when coupled with a nasty candy cigarette habit, it’s yet to cause cancer of the sweet tooth.

Remember, sharing is caring. So pass this along to friends and sign up for the Critic’s mailing list by emailing moderndaycritic@yahoo.com with ME FIRST in the subject.

 

It’s better than a sharp stick in the eye.

Issue #10. Double digits. Wow. Check it out:

Parallel Universes
The notion that a limitless number of realities are happening just outside our own, parallel universes mean every moment in time could be spun off in to infinite possibilities. In one parallel universe I’m the King of England, while in another, I use my left hand to wipe.

Justin Timberlake
Record Exec 1: This boy band thing has played out again. What’s next? Record Exec 2: We’ll just take the best looking kid from The Backstreet Boys, get him vocal and dance coaches and market the bejesus out of him. Record Exec 1: And since he’s already coming from a squeaky-clean band, we’ll save on establishing his image.

They cackle madly, touch champagne flutes and go back to doing coke off a stripper’s ass.

Unhappy Endings
If you hear one of the following phrases in a story, it’s a pretty good indication it’s going to end badly: 1. “So I drank the bottle of Vodka.” 2. “And then I bet the mortgage against the Globetrotters.” 3. “I didn’t know it was a guy.”

Inner Filters
You know that little barrier in your head that prevents you from saying exactly what you’re thinking in situations that require it? I don’t. And while it can be liberating to say whatever the hell you want, it can also be problematic. Like the time I called the Creative Director at a (now defunct) company a dickhead. I was kidding, but I wish I had waited until after introductions.

Gift Cards
For birthdays, holidays or anytime, there’s nothing like giving a gift card to say,” I don’t give a fuck, get it yourself.” If it’s the thought that counts, these bad boys are the perfect present for when you’ve run out of ideas. Except for where the recipient should shop.

The Modern Day Critic is ready for action three times a month. Join the list to get word of new issues by emailing moderndaycritic@yahoo.com with “Me First” in the subject line. Since I only give a shit about people getting off on this column, rest assured your email address won’t be sold, rented or otherwise compromised.

 

Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake up with stinky finger.

I realize this issue’s headline is juvenile and in it for a cheap laugh, but then again, so am I. Enjoy:

Sneezing
Sneezing feels pretty good and it might be because it may (people go back and forth on this one) kill brain cells every time you do it. But before you invest in an extra-large box of pepper, remember the risks – like blowing snot all over your upper lip.

Phone Interviews (A Summary)
Human Resources: Is it still a good time for me to judge your ability to do this job based on your answers to canned questions that have absolutely nothing to do with your work? Me: Yes. HR: You failed.

The Unemployment Beard
Looking for growth during this recession? Check out an unemployed man’s and (in some unfortunate cases) woman’s face. As soon as the work stops, so does the shaving. It’s so prevalent that the number of growing beards could be an economic indicator. Let’s call it, The Follicle Factor.

Exclamation Points
Used once in a while to set off a phrase or thought exclamation points do have value! But multiple exclamation points in the same paragraph (or even sentence), are marks of an amateur scribe!!!! They tell readers that either you do not know how to build excitement with words, you are (personally) absolutely thrilled about something or that you are an asshole!!!!!

James Brown
I have a theory that whenever James Brown is on everyone in the place will dance…at least a little. I don’t care if it’s a couple of head-swivels, finger snaps or pelvic thrusts, people are compelled to move when it comes to the funkitude of tracks like “I Feel Good,” “Licking Stick” and “I Got The Feelin’.”

Look for more trouble in a couple weeks.

Get word of new issues by emailing moderndaycritic@yahoo.com with “Me First” in the subject line. And remember, sharing is caring. Pass this along to your friends.