At Me, or with Me, as Long as You’re Laughing

Memory
Memory is a fickle bitch. It allows me to forget more great ideas then I care to think about (maybe that’s the problem), but then again, it does keep me from crapping in my pants on a daily basis. So, let’s call it a draw.

Alliteration
I’ve always appreciated alliteration. The similar sounds make it so. Some people prefer it otherwise, and although very vapid, their view is also valid. To them, I say: “Tough Ta-Tas.”

Thanksgiving
It’s ironic that people give thanks for all they have, just before the insanity begins to buy them what they want. Thanksgiving is cool because it remains one of our least commercialized holidays – that is, until marketers can figure out a way to make you feel bad about not giving a Thanksgiving Day gift. Which leads me to:

Black Friday
The name “Black Friday” is so foreboding and full of dread that everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves. Although one wonders how successful the sales would be if the original name had stuck: “Fucking Idiot Assholes Who Would Sacrifice Their Fellow Man to Save a Buck and the Evil Corporations Who Encourage It” Day?

Vampires
I used to think vampires were filthy, villainous, children-of-the-night, who needed blood to continue their foul existence. Apparently, I was wrong. Vampires are hyper-sexual, misunderstood souls who – even though they inhabit dead bodies – still maintain an ability to fuck.

This issue’s take away: There’s nothing like a cold, hard, toilet seat to remind you that you’re alive.

Note: The Modern Day Critic will be on hiatus through December. Look forward to a new issue in January 2010. Thanks!

 

The Answer to It All is in the Alphabet

English
I know the language is evolving, much the way we are (suck it, creationists), but I don’t have to like it. The new writing is just lazy. Don’t know a rule? Ignore it. Spell check? Don’t bother. You can just write: Im going 2-nite R U? LOL.

Social Security Disability
After completing the months long application process, your approval is sent via what’s called a notice of award. It’s an award, like you won something. I was expecting it to open with:

Congratulations! You have a severe disability that negatively impacts your life. You’re a BIG winner.

Grudges
If someone harms you, I mean really damages your soul, hate them. Hate them long. Hate them hard. But as the days turn to months or even (if they really fucked up) years, use the energy it took to hate for something positive. You can start by not hating.

Pharmaceutical Advertising
One of the more amusing aspects of marketing prescription only drugs is that product names must be easily identifiable and memorable to consumers. As an example, I give you AciPhex. Combating the varied symptoms of acid reflux disease, AciPhex sounds pretty good–until you realize you’ve got to ask your doctor about it. AciPhex is pronounced Ass Effects.

Plug Box
Tonight (11/6)! Don’t miss the heavy blues, rock, sound of the Mike Hallal Band, live at The Loft @ Tommy D’s (The Old House of Blues), 96 Winthrop St., Cambridge, MA. 21+, $5 cover, 9pm-12am.

Join The Modern Day Critic mailing list for first notice of new issues, exclusive content (as soon as I think some), and more. Simply email moderndaycritic@yahoo.com with “Me First” in the subject box.

This issue’s take away: The Bible is a novel, not a text book.

 

My Lucky Number is Negative Four

One for the money, two for the show …

Questions
A few that I‘d like answered: Does a bag of clean clothes weigh the same as that same bag of clothes does dirty? Up until I finish this sentence, how many words have I written in my life? What’s the origin of shouting “Free Bird” at concerts?

Bumpers
Everything about this part of the car, would leave you to believe it’s made to be hit. They’re there to protect. They stick out the furthest on you car. Even the name, “bumper,” alludes to their purpose. So if the bumper is made to get dinged up, why do people get so pissed when theirs gets scratched?

Super Sugar Crisp Cereal
Soon after the mascot, Sugar Bear, lost his foot due to complications from diabetes, the cereal’s name was changed to Golden Crisp. I guess being consistently ranked as one of the most sugar laden cereals doesn’t mean shit when you can just change the name to disguise the fact it’s still bad for you.

North Atlantic Right Whale
With an estimated less than 300 left in existence, this endangered whale got its name for being the “right” one to kill. It floats when dead, is slow moving, and once numbered in the tens of thousands. Although one wonders, how would they have benefitted from a different name? Who would hunt the North Atlantic Penis Shrinking Whale?

Raiders of the Lost Ark
We go to subpar sequels because 28 years ago, the greatest of all action/adventure movies made its debut. We hope against all odds that the newest movie will recapture some of the original’s charm. And when it doesn’t, we bitch, we poke fun, but we’re not surprised. It takes a special film to make you feel like that. If it’s been at least five years since you’ve seen Raiders of the Lost Ark, watch it. (If you’ve never seen it … shame on you.) If you don’t like it, you don’t like movies. It’s as simple as that.

Plug Box
Feed your head with the blues-soaked sound of Mike Hallal Band, Friday, November 6, The Loft @ Tommy D’s (The Old House of Blues), 96 Winthrop St., Cambridge, MA. 21+, $5 cover, 9pm-12am.
Visit myspace.com/mikehallalband.

This issue’s take away: In a laugh or cry situation, always choose laugh.

 

100% Fresh, No Filler

Ready, Set, Enjoy …

Laugh Tracks
Canned laughter is for the benefit of the television audience. It’s punctuation that says, “that was a joke, insert laughter here.” Newly successful comedies like The Office, however, rely on the intelligence of viewers to pick out the funny parts. So it could be said that whenever you chuckled at shows with a laugh track (Seinfeld, Drew Carey, Cheers), the producers were calling you stupid.

Back to School
I don’t even have kids, and I like this time of year. The reason: Back to school shopping. I go for the pencils, and stay for the disappointment. I like to remind kids why they’re there. “That shirt you’ve got to grow into will be lame by the time it fits,” and the even more depressing, “Someday, you’ll realize these were the easy years.”

Germ-phobes
Our world is brimming with microscopic germs and bacteria. We can’t avoid them, so why worry? Of course, washing your hands before you eat is good hygiene, but must the soap be washed first? Just because it might’ve cleaned someone’s ass and you want to use it on your face doesn’t mean…oh, wait…okay…now I understand.

Replacement Shows
When a television show sucks enough to be pulled mid-season, the one that succeeds it is usually touted as the best thing to ever grace the medium. If they were honest, the promos would be more like, “Don’t miss Rosie Perez in Second Shift, a program that wasn’t good enough to crack our original lineup, but that we hope will be sufficient enough now.”

The Mens Room
There are one room public bathrooms that feature a single bowl and a urinal in an open floor plan. Why? Has any one ever been invited to piss, while someone else takes a dump, or vice versa? And if so, did they go?

Plug Box
Got something you’d like to plug? Email the details with “Plug This” in the subject to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

This issue’s take away: If the truth hurts, we could all use some pain.

 

Capitalizing Each Word Makes Sentences Look More Important

Welcome to Issue 22 of The Modern Day Critic. You should know what to expect by now, and if you don’t you’re either new (check out the past issues too) or slow (sorry).

Buddhism
I like the philosophy that freedom from desire is the pathway to enlightenment, but that doesn’t make it any easier to follow. It’s hard not to want things–especially in a society that offers a 79 cent nacho plate.

Obama’s Speech to Students
There are people who are so afraid of this president and his “agenda,” they managed to make a much publicized stink about his speech to school students. An hour of listening to the president won’t change your influence over your kids. So, don’t worry, if you’re an asshole, there’s still a good chance your kid will be an asshole too … just like you.

Marijuana
Now … what was I talking about?

Bull Riding
The reason bulls jump and flail is that when the rider sits on their back a rope tightens around their testicles, and it’s not until they buck the guy off that the pain subsides. To score, a rider must stay on for eight seconds, which doesn’t seem like a long time to you and me, but tell that to the bull.

Dress Codes
The MDC has had lots of writing jobs, but only one of them—at a major retailer—had a dress code. I had to ask: Why the business attire requirement, when we were never seen by the public? The answer: Because that’s the way it’s always been. That‘s right up there with “because I said so,” as the worst answer of all time. In fact, if that were a good answer, we’d still be chucking shit at each other from the tree tops.

Thanks to Bob D. for the topic.

Plug Box
Featuring essays and shorts by luminaries such as Hunter S. Thompson, Mark Twain, and George Plimpton, The Dreaded Feast: Writers on Enduring the Holidays also includes “Home for the Holidays” by Friend of the Critic Christine Radant. Pick up a copy (or three) in October.

Got something you’d like to plug? Email the details with “Plug This” in the subject to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

This issue’s take-away: Like it or not, those animal crackers you’re eating are really just cookies.

 

What’s So Holy About Toledo?

The Modern Day Critic runs on eyeballs, lots and lots of eyeballs. So, don’t bogart the joy. Pass The Modern Day Critic to anyone who could use some funny stuff (Facebook and email are good for that).

And away we go …

Asparagus
There is a recipe for asparagus in the oldest surviving cookbook. It takes a stalk of asparagus roughly three years to grow. Your urine starts to stink before it’s all the way down your digestive tract.

Yankees Suck
I’m no fan of baseball’s evil empire, but this has got to go. It reeks of poor sportsmanship, and is made even more annoying at concerts, football games, even July 4th celebrations. The Red Sox Nation has nothing to be bitter about any more, so the taunts need to be of a better class. All that being said, you can’t argue with a good “bullshit” chant to let officials know they fucked up.

Survivor
It’s been Survivor: Borneo, Survivor: Samoa, Survivor: Palau, and more. Now let’s follow the show‘s evolution to the next level, Survivor: Tits and Ass. Reward challenge? Tits and ass. Immunity challenge? More tits and ass. If the producers really wanted to make it tough they’d cast Survivor: Antarctica, but it’s too cold for tits and ass there.

Jigsaw Puzzles
In order to keep sharp (because let’s face it, just this isn’t going to do it), I’ve started doing jigsaw puzzles. My first undertaking: a 2,000 piece photo of Times Square. It’s coming along fine, and if I get bored, I just play the game that came with it: Find the Bits on the Floor.

Drooling
One of the more ascetically interesting symptoms of my condition (Machado Joseph Disease) is that I drool. I’m not constantly covered like a St. Bernard or anything, but I’ll be having a conversation and a stream of mouth syrup will escape. Usually it’s politely ignored, and no one has yet to exclaim, “HOLY SHIT! THIS GUY’S FUCKING DROOLING!” – even if that’s what they’re thinking.

Plug Box
From time to time, my readers will have events/news/sexual offender notices of their own to share. Simply e-mail the details to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com with “Plug This” in the subject box, and see it in an upcoming issue of The Modern Day Critic.

Until next time, don’t forget this issue’s take-away: An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, but that levels the playing field.

 

Welcome to Issue 20 of The Modern Day Critic. Don’t Get Any On Ya.

Twenty issues, huh? By my count, that’s at least 90 grains of truth and fun that have gone your way. How do I do it? I self-medicate into a stupor, and when I come around there are four or five paragraphs in front of me. It’s fun. See?

Kevin Youklis
Youklis is the Boston Red Sox player who was suspended for five games for charging the mound when he was hit by a pitch by Detroit’s Rick Porcello. Part of the rational for his punishment? His actions influence on kids. What’s so special about kids? Fuck kids. They could learn a useful life lesson from the incident: Throw a ball at someone and they might beat the shit out of you.

Things I Like
Little kids that cover their mouths when they sneeze. Artists that include a hidden track on their CD. The level of carbonation in a perfectly balanced fountain soda. Unassisted triple plays. The episode of King of the Hill where Bobby Hill kicks people in the nuts.

The Language of Fear
A frightened populace is easier to control, so it’s in the interest of some powers to change speech to make ideas that are different scary. Accordingly, “universal healthcare” becomes “socialized medicine,” the “estate tax” becomes the “death tax,” and “French Fries” become “Freedom Fries.”

Death
If given the option, most people would drift away in their sleep (for some reason going in a fiery car wreck wasn’t the number one choice). Not me. I want to be aware I’m dying. It will be the last thing I ever do, so I want to experience it, but I don’t want it to hurt. Is that possible?

Requests
When you‘re at a concert, don’t be the knuckle-dragger who starts calling for the artist’s biggest hit (you know, the one that’s a lock for the encore) after the second or third song of the second set. Listening to some asshole scream “American Girl” for over an hour at Tom Petty doesn’t make murder right, but it does make it understandable.

That‘s it for now everyone. Sign up for The Modern Day Critic mailing list by emailing moderndaytcritic@yahoo.com with “Me First” in the subject, and remember: Just because it fits in your mouth, doesn’t mean you should eat it.

 

Agnostics are Afraid of Commitment

I see that we meet again …

Johnny
Remember when all you needed to be a movie bad guy was blonde hair and a bad attitude? William Zabka does. He played Johnny, the lead asshole, in the Karate Kid. It’s because of him and the success of the film that Hollywood casting agents joined the fight against originality. Thus subsequent 80’s films like Back to School (Zabka again), Revenge of the Nerds (Ted McGinest), and Real Genius (Robert Prescott), all featured a Johnny character of their own.

The Beer Summit
To assuage civil unrest from Police Sergeant James Crowley’s arrest of Professor Henry Gates Jr. in his own home, President Obama invited the men to the White House for beers –yet another great idea from the hippest president since JFK. But why stop there? He should meet everyone— from the Pope to Putin—at the White House for booze. And for visitors that don’t drink? Crack summits. Everyone loves crack.

Jesus Christ
What gives rightwing, redneck, conservative, fuck heads the right to claim this guy as their own? Pro-gun. War-mongering. Anti-gay. Close-minded. All the things they are, I’d wager he wasn’t. I didn’t know the man, but I’m pretty sure Jesus was a liberal, and from the way he’s portrayed— the first hippie.

Rush Limbaugh
Rush is fond of labeling people on the left “Liberal Nazis. “ Now, I’m no history student, but weren’t Nazis the most conservative political party in world history? There can be “Liberal Communists,” but “Nazis” sounds more relevant (even going on 65+ years), especially to the klingon, fuck faces who listen to this fat head.

Your vs. You’re
At the risk of sounding like an asshole (okay, I’m sounding like an asshole), please use the proper form of “your” or “you’re” in writing. It’s not hard. “You’re” is a contraction. It means “you are.” “Your” is possessive. Use it if the subject owns something. Now go forth, and write. Just don’t fuck up “their,” “there,” and “they’re.”

If you enjoyed Issue 19 the Modern Day Critic, please pass it on to a friend. Sign up for The Modern Day Critic mailing list by emailing moderndaycritic@yahoo.com with “Me First” in the subject. And remember: You can pick your friends and you can pick your boogers, but you can’t wipe your friends on the couch.

 

Hunger is an Appetite Stimulant

First, the bad news: Because my disability saps energy like so many vampire bats, I will be reducing the number of issue from three to two a month. Now, the good news: There are still 165 shopping days until Christmas.

Bow Ties
The “hey everybody look at me” fashion accessory for men, bow ties are a sure mark of the incredibly lame. Guys who wear bow ties want everyone to think they’re quirky and different. Well, they’re not. They’re just like you—except they probably got beat up a lot in high school.

Independence Days
This past July 4 got me thinking about the Independence Day of other countries. It turns out that a lot of them are from the United Kingdom. Pakistan’s is August 14. Fiji’s is October 10. Ghana’s is March 6. The list goes on. And since the UK has no Independence Day of its own, I suggest they celebrate a series of Dependence Days, and commemorate when a country first fell under their imperialist thumb.

The Scary Child Movie
Further proof that Hollywood is full of formulaic crap, they churn out films about scary kids at an ungodly rate: The Omen, The Omen II, The Good Son, The Unborn, Orphan, The Children, Children of the Corn, and many more. I can see the pitch meetings now: Producer: So, the kid kills people. Studio Exec: Is the kid scary? Producer: Very. Studio Exec: Sold!

Jaime Kennedy
This guy’s movies suck. He made 2007’s Heckler, a film bitching about how people say they suck. And guess what? That sucked (Although slightly less than his other films). Here’s a tip from the totally unqualified: Don’t put Pauly Shore in your movies. People hate that guy. Why? Because he sucks.

Plug Box
Vote for my sister-in-law’s photo for the monthly amateur shutterbug contest held by The Boston Globe here. Hers is the photo of the fly fisherman (If you don’t see it, you may have to scroll down on the photos). It’s quick, easy and there’s no sign in required.

Come back in August for more shenanigans (I always wanted to use that word). And as always, I can be reached with questions, comments, and inexplicable tirades at moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.

 

There May Be No Atheists in Fox Holes, But I Bet There’s Plenty of Shit Pants.

Sorry for the recent lack of production, but I was caught under something heavy. So on to the reason you’re here:

Community Supported Agriculture
I was impressed with my first up-close exposure with a program like this: Pay a flat fee at the start of the season and pick up a variety of farm fresh produce weekly. Most refreshing? It was all on the honor system. Even a public lending library will slap a fine on you if you hold onto a book for too long.

Twin River
For those of you who aren’t aware, Twin River is a slot machine parlor with a dilapidated dog track and no table games in Lincoln, RI. It closes at 3 am during the week, is open 24 hours on the weekend, and recently filed Chapter 11 due to a lack of business. The governor’s plan to fix it? Expand the hours. Totally ignoring the first rule of getting out of a hole: Stop digging.

Thanks to Keith E. for the topic.

Coors Light Cold Activated Bottles and Cans
Right up there with the stupidest sales promos of all time, Coors Light’s cans and bottles that turn blue when they’re cold assume that either their consumers are morons, or they lack the sense of touch. Although given Coors Light’s target market, both could be true.

The Muppets
Half-moppet, half-puppet and 100% enjoyable, The Muppets are at the pinnacle of entertainment that can be shared by kids and adults. I defy you to take in this clip of The Muppet Show’s house band Electric Mayhem with Dizzy Gillespie and then not look at more clips. Quite simply, it’s fucking fantastic.

Thanks to Aaron E. for the topic.

If you ever return here from those Muppet Show clips, you’re just in time for the end of issue 17. Be on the lookout for the next issue in a couple weeks and remember to send questions, comments and plug requests to moderndaycritic@yahoo.com.